I was watching a video by organizational psychologist Adam Grant on Instagram where he said he doesn’t like the conventional advice to “play to our strengths.” He feels that keeps us stuck in our comfort zones, when we might develop new strengths. For example, he noted if he’d played to his strengths, he wouldn’t have become a diver, teacher or writer.

Fair point, however, I think he may be referring to skills, rather than strengths. What’s the difference?

Skills are things you have learned how to do and knowledge bases you have accumulated. Adam’s examples of diver, teacher and writer are all skills. A few more examples are being good at creating a PowerPoint presentation or speaking foreign languages or fixing an engine or baking the perfect soufflé. Some skills you may be barely functional at, and at some you may be a master. (Behind that mastery may be a strength lurking…for Adam it probably has to do with his curiosity, love of ideas, and desire to help people grow and improve.)

I do a lot of work with my clients to identify their “signature strengths” (i.e., a phrase coined by Martin Seligman, positive psychologist and author of the book “Authentic Happiness”). Signature strengths are what you are uniquely designed to do well. You are wired this way from birth, and develop and shape these over your lifetime. This is who you are, how you show up, and what you are going to do well time and again – often without trying. Think of these as your “special sauce.“ (And note that strengths are not industry specific.)

Here are a few recent examples of signature strengths from different clients:
– Personable and dependable colleague enjoys genuine relationships and using fun to move the work forward
– Quiet consensus builder keeps teams effective and on target
– Natural mentor is supportive and generous, putting others at ease and helping them to feel empowered

If you can’t name your signature strengths yet, that’s ok! This is a process; with my clients, we do two self-assessments and a 360 degree review where we ask other people about their strengths. External feedback from others is essential for two reasons:
1. You can’t have an accurate self image without external feedback; we naturally de-value our strengths since they come easy to us, so our self-image is often lower than it should be
2. We DO want you playing to your signature strengths 75-80% of the time at work; so we have to identify those strengths and then go about finding work that fits

Knowing the difference between strengths and skills can help you find purposeful work. You want to be able to use as many of your strengths as possible on a daily basis. Skills are handy and can set you apart, but you don’t need to have every skill for that next job, because you can always learn new skills – and should!

So DO play to your strengths AND keep learning new skills!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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What do you say when someone gives you a compliment? If you say “thanks so much,” that’s a great response.

That’s not what I do.

If someone says to me, “I like your dress,” I am likely to say one of the following: “I’ve had this forever” or “I got this on sale.”

By deflecting the compliment, I’ve done two things. First, some part of me feels protected from judgment. I’m asking not to be evaluated or noticed – for good or for bad.

Second, I’ve told the person giving me the compliment that their opinion is wrong. (I’ve basically said, “You think this old dress is nice?! Your taste is questionable.”) Imagine if I’d simply replied “Thank you; that makes me feel great. This dress is a favorite of mine.” Then everyone would feel good!

This can be a hard behavior to change. For me it’s a quick reflex to deflect a compliment (think of Wonder Woman deflecting bullets with her bracelets). This is an old behavior from childhood that became habitual. Today, sometimes I can catch myself before falling into my old patterns by being present in conversations and thinking before I speak.

If you tend to deflect compliments rather than graciously accepting them, ask yourself why. Try to start catching yourself and retrain yourself to say a simple “thank you.” You’ll feel better – and so will the person who was nice enough to notice how terrific you are!

You look marvelous! You’re welcome.

p.s. Note that I’m assuming here that the compliment given is sincere and appropriate. In practice, especially at work, it’s often better to compliment someone’s abilities/talents/progress/efforts than their looks. And some compliments can be offensive, for example, if they are sexually or racially charged. So if you receive an inappropriate compliment, you are not required to meekly say “thank you!”

p.p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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I was working with a client recently and asked her to rate her level of satisfaction about something on a scale of 1 to 10. She said, “I was going to choose 7, but we’re not allowed to choose 7 at work.”

What’s that now? Tell me more…

She explained that her work team knows they are not allowed to choose 7 because it’s something of a cop out. If the thing is “good enough” then we can leave it as is, maintain the status quo, and not take action to make it even better.

Hmm. Interesting, for sure. Where in my life I am not addressing something that needs improvement just because it’s a 7? My health, fitness, learning, friendships, home, etc? Where are you leaving a 7 as “good enough” when maybe it’s not good enough at all?

And that’s the real issue, I think. Where is a 7 or “good enough” actually enough? What areas are worth the effort to strive for an 8, 9 or 10? This is really up to the individual (or work team) to identify. Maybe a relationship deserves our effort to get it to a 9 level. Maybe health is a 9 level of effort, too. Maybe home is an 8, but my yard is a 7 (i.e., the dandelions are winning). It’s about identifying what’s important and balancing priorities.

Note that we need to distinguish between our level of effort and the results/outcomes we are experiencing. We control our effort, not the outcomes. For example, what if I put a lot of time and energy into my relationship with a family member and that relationship is just so-so? Does that mean that I should put in more effort, or accept, in this case, a 9 level of effort gets me a 5 level of satisfaction with the relationship? It might be that we accept that 5 and call it a win. We may even consider lowering our effort and see if we can still maintain that 5. (Do less?! Yes!)

Again, this is about identifying what’s important to you and making decisions about what efforts and results are “good enough.” Note how you want to spend your life energy, and that there isn’t always a directly proportional relationship between effort and outcomes. What’s worth it to you to try anyway?

Whatever you decide is good enough!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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At the turn of the year, I sometimes post a blog about my dislike of New Year’s resolutions. Instead I talk about some of the things that I find more worthwhile such as goal-setting or a word/phrase of the year or asking myself some big questions.

This year, I missed my January blog entirely. I experienced the perfect storm, which included an actual snowstorm as well as a very busy client and presenting schedule and moving into a new house.

My January focus narrowed down to just work and moving. When I wasn’t on Zoom, I rarely sat down. I struggled to get my workouts in. I ate some weird meals. I neglected friends and family. I packed and unpacked so many boxes. I went to bed tired and got up tired.

I’m guessing that during that period, I may have disappointed some people… I had to say “no” to folks, due to zero flexibility in my schedule. I was leaving my beloved landlords. I wasn’t available for people in my personal life, or I showed up briefly and flustered. Yes, it’s likely I disappointed someone.

I’m learning to be ok with that. I mean, I don’t feel great about disappointing people, but I know that sometimes folks won’t like my choices – even when I am doing my best. And I know that sometimes I just can’t give-it-my-all enough to make others happy.

It is really difficult for many of us to disappoint others. (Yes, I see you, my fellow co-dependents!) The best you may be able to do is build some awareness around when you are twisting yourself into a pretzel for others. Notice how that makes you feel, both emotionally and physically. Accept that that is where you are right now.

Then, consider your options. Is there something you are able to do that you want to do for someone else? Does it take care of them at the expense of your own self-care, sleep or sanity? These are just choices; try to make healthy ones while keeping in mind that your circumstances will change. Your best will change. You will be able to invest in those important relationships again when this storm passes.

Crazy-busy times are an opportunity for personal growth: an opportunity to say “no,” to practice disappointing others, and to learn to be with the feelings it causes you. Now, there’s a worthy goal for 2024!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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