Last month’s blog noted that, when it comes to feedback, clear is kind. That blog assumed we were giving feedback to someone who reports to us, and that we’re the manager. But what if you have feedback for someone who doesn’t report to you? Or what if you want to ask someone else for feedback?

Bad question #1: “Would you like some unsolicited advice?”

No. Please, no. But if you said to me “I have an observation about your communications from that meeting we were just in; would it be helpful to you if I shared it?” I will definitely say “yes.”

Same rules as outlined in last month’s blog: we give feedback out of care for the other person’s growth and development. We don’t give feedback out of irritation. Check your motives before you offer feedback. Chances are if it’s something you’d want someone to clue you in on, they may want to know, too. Just ask for permission and see if they are open before laying your wisdom on them.

And still expect that they might not receive the feedback well in the moment. They may start to explain themselves or go quiet. Just stay open and calm for them – and maybe read the tips in last month’s blog before offering feedback!

Bad question #2: Do you have feedback for me?

It’s great to desire feedback so you can continue to improve your performance, communications and relationships. But asking a big question like “do you have feedback for me?” may not get you use-able information. Remember that not everyone is skilled at giving feedback – and an easy way out for the other person is to tell you that you are perfect!

Instead, try to narrow your question. Here are a few examples:
– “During the meeting we were just in, I explained the progress on the project; was anything unclear in my explanation?” And/or “what would have made it better?”
– “During the meeting we were just in, our boss asked me why I chose the actions I took; did my answer sound defensive?” And/or “how would you have answered his question?”
– “We’ve been working on this project together now for a month; what have you observed about my interactions with the team that I do well?” And/or “what could I do better?”

Asking someone what they observed/experienced is safe territory – so is asking for their advice or opinion, if you honestly want it. Remember that another person’s feedback is just their opinion, so use your discernment before changing your behavior. (You may need to get feedback from more than one person to determine if you need to change your behavior.)

In addition, if you have more than one feedback question, make sure to ask only one at a time and let the person answer. You can ask a clarifying question, but allow room for the other person to think if they are struggling to come up with feedback on the spot. If they want more time to think, that’s fine; you can check in later.

Feedback is a valuable gift they are giving you (that you requested), so try not to pressure them too much – and definitely don’t defend yourself! All you ever need to to say to someone giving you feedback is “thank you; you’ve given me something to think about.”

What a gift!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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When I present on the leadership skill of feedback, I ask the managers, “who likes to receive feedback?” Almost all the hands go up. (No surprise; high performers want feedback so they know how to improve.)

Then I ask the managers, “who likes to give feedback?” Almost all the hands go down.

Managers often find it scary to give feedback. They are afraid that the employee will get angry or upset or defensive. That can happen. Most employees receive constructive criticism with at least an “ouch,” if not a full blown melt-down (maybe internal, maybe external). But how you give the feedback can help the receiver to be more open and receptive.

Here are a few tips:

• Give feedback because you care about the employee’s growth and development – not because you are irritated. Feeling hangry? Then go have a sandwich and ground yourself in the desire to help your employee.

• Be transparent about why you are giving the feedback. Is this just a conversation to help the employee develop in their career, or is their performance off track? If they are under-performing, give them specific examples of what better performance looks like.

• Don’t assume an under-performer is aware they are off track – or that they know how to fix it. If they seem shut-down by the feedback, you can give them some time to think about what you’ve said and reconvene at a later time for a conversation about how to turn things around.

• Avoid a feedback sandwich; that is, don’t bury a piece of constructive feedback in-between two pieces of positive feedback. It may make you feel better, but the receiver is likely to be confused.

What I tell my managers is this: clear is kind. In the moment, the feedback may hit the other person hard. But they will remember later that you cared enough about them to tell them the truth. A truth they need to be aware of whether they stay in their current role and develop – or not.

Note that feedback gets easier with practice, and it is a teachable skill. If no one has taught you, check in with your boss, your HR department or an executive coach!

Great feedback is a gift!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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Last month’s blog was a request to ask folks to please stop saying they are a “people pleaser.” This month, it is a request to please stop saying you’re “helping.”

I’m a recovering fixer. I liked to help by jumping in and fixing other people’s problems – or feelings. This meant I did a lot of assuming: what the problem was, what the other person thought the problem was, that I knew the solution, what the other person thought a good solution was, what the other person was feeling, that they wanted to feel differently, and that my fix was helpful. Lots of room for error in all of those assumptions!

What I’ve learned is that I don’t need to assume or guess what might be helpful to another person. I can ask them. (I’ll say it again for the people in the back: I can ask the other person what they would find helpful.) Have you ever tried to cheer someone up who just needed you to sit with them while they were sad? Then you know what I’m talking about.

I also had to learn to take care of myself and meet my own needs before I get into other people’s business. If I don’t meet my own needs first, I may not have the energy to help others. If my needs aren’t met, I might end up wanting the other person to meet them for me and then get resentful (i.e., “I helped you, even though you didn’t ask me to; you should be helping me in return. What’s wrong with you?”).

Here’s another reason why you should rethink “helping:” people get confidence when they do things for themselves. Even if they fail, they figure it out. But inaction kills confidence. When you do things for another person, their confidence is leaching away. Let them have the dignity of their experience, find their own resourcefulness, and increase their confidence.

If you are still compelled to help, rather than asking “can I do that for you,” try instead “how can I support you in doing that?” See the difference? You can assist with the stuck places, and then back off; the other person will likely be grateful for that kind of help.

Not sure if the helping you want to do is healthy or not? Check your motivations. Do you need the other person to be or achieve something so you feel good about you? Take a step back. Are you assuming the other person is incompetent or can’t do the thing? Take a step back. Are you trying to control the other person’s actions, outcomes or experience? Take a step back. Are you trying to help them the way you think they should want help? Take a step back.

Healthy help isn’t about the golden rule of treating others how you want to be treated. Healthy help follows the Platinum Rule: “Treat others how they want to be treated.”

Trust in the resourcefulness of the people around you. And when your needs are taken care of and you want to help from a place of kindness, ask the other person how you might support them.

Sound helpful?

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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Over the years, a lot of my clients have told me that they are “people pleasers.” They say it sort of sheepishly, but I think there is often a little pride in it as well. If you are in this group, here’s why you should quit it.

It is great if you want to be nice and helpful – and you have the energy and time to give to the people/causes you want to. However, note that no one (who is healthy) wants you to give what you don’t have to give. As Iyanla Vanzant says: “When you give someone something you need for yourself you make the other person a thief. True giving does not require self sacrifice.”

Unfortunately, what I see with most “people pleasers” is that they need other people to like them. They need this so much, they will give more than they should – to their own detriment. You’ll know if your “people pleasing” is unhealthy if you are so busy taking care of others that you can’t take care of yourself; if you feel resentful when you are helping others; or if your motivation in helping others is so that they will like you.

What I ask some of my clients to consider is, that by being a “people pleaser,” they are actually trying to make other people like them. They are going way too far in their efforts to manipulate others into accepting a likeable version of themselves. Sometimes what is really going on is low self-esteem.

I learned a long time ago that 2% of people will love you no matter what. And 2% of people won’t like you no matter what. And the rest of the folks will like you just fine most of the time. The truth is, you can’t make anyone else do/think/feel anything. You can’t please some people enough to make them like you. So you can quit trying.

Where can you use that energy that you’ve been devoting to “people-pleasing?”
– Taking care of yourself and your needs. That’s your job as an adult.
– Doing things you actually want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do, experiment until you find things you enjoy.
– Working on your goals. Instead of only helping others achieve their goals, what do you want for your life and future?

You may need sit with the discomfort of getting used to saying “no” to others. (More on saying “no” here and here). And when you are finally pleasing yourself, then you can think about where it might please you to help others.

So long, “people pleasing!”

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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I recently had a client tell me a story about the wisest advice she ever received.

This client had a colleague who had proven themselves untrustworthy in the past. She found it difficult to work with this person and be around them, let alone rely on them to do her job.

She took this issue to her mentor and said, “I notice you work with all kinds of people; some have questionable reputations. How can you work with people you don’t trust?”

Her mentor looked at her and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

She explained herself again, telling her experienced, smart mentor that working with untrustworthy people was extremely difficult; in fact, it couldn’t be done. She went into anguished detail about how her colleague was bad and had done her wrong. She described every small transgression she had catalogued. Again, she asked her mentor how they could engage with untrustworthy people.

Her mentor fixed her with a look, saying slowly and clearly, “I. Don’t. Know. What. You. Are. Talking. About.”

Of course, her mentor understood the question. They were telling her how they handled it. They chose to overlook the untrustworthy behavior and move forward, rather than choosing to be stuck. They would not allow themselves to be drawn into the drama.

In fact, one day, when my client was particularly caught up in some negative ruminations, this wise mentor got fierce and shared some advice that turned out to be the best advice my client ever received: “Shut up and live your life.”

Consider how much energy we give to people at work that we don’t see eye to eye with. As the saying goes, “would you rather be right or happy?” Sometimes we just have to let things go and move on.

One caveat: if someone is truly undermining you at work, be respectful, but consider my favorite advice: “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” That is, allow yourself to move forward believing that things could work out in a positive way, but build in some double-checks (e.g., documentation, public agreement on commitments, etc).

And when you are ready to level up even more? Imagine someone asks you about that untrustworthy colleague. Instead of saying something negative, try to find something positive to say that’s true. Or at least encourage that person to have their own experience with the colleague. Then just shut up and live your life.

Pretty good advice…

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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