Please stop saying you’re a “people pleaser”
Over the years, a lot of my clients have told me that they are “people pleasers.” They say it sort of sheepishly, but I think there is often a little pride in it as well. If you are in this group, here’s why you should quit it.
It is great if you want to be nice and helpful – and you have the energy and time to give to the people/causes you want to. However, note that no one (who is healthy) wants you to give what you don’t have to give. As Iyanla Vanzant says: “When you give someone something you need for yourself you make the other person a thief. True giving does not require self sacrifice.”
Unfortunately, what I see with most “people pleasers” is that they need other people to like them. They need this so much, they will give more than they should – to their own detriment. You’ll know if your “people pleasing” is unhealthy if you are so busy taking care of others that you can’t take care of yourself; if you feel resentful when you are helping others; or if your motivation in helping others is so that they will like you.
What I ask some of my clients to consider is, that by being a “people pleaser,” they are actually trying to make other people like them. They are going way too far in their efforts to manipulate others into accepting a likeable version of themselves. Sometimes what is really going on is low self-esteem.
I learned a long time ago that 2% of people will love you no matter what. And 2% of people won’t like you no matter what. And the rest of the folks will like you just fine most of the time. The truth is, you can’t make anyone else do/think/feel anything. You can’t please some people enough to make them like you. So you can quit trying.
Where can you use that energy that you’ve been devoting to “people-pleasing?”
– Taking care of yourself and your needs. That’s your job as an adult.
– Doing things you actually want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do, experiment until you find things you enjoy.
– Working on your goals. Instead of only helping others achieve their goals, what do you want for your life and future?
You may need sit with the discomfort of getting used to saying “no” to others. (More on saying “no” here and here). And when you are finally pleasing yourself, then you can think about where it might please you to help others.
So long, “people pleasing!”
p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.