What do you say when someone gives you a compliment? If you say “thanks so much,” that’s a great response.

That’s not what I do.

If someone says to me, “I like your dress,” I am likely to say one of the following: “I’ve had this forever” or “I got this on sale.”

By deflecting the compliment, I’ve done two things. First, some part of me feels protected from judgment. I’m asking not to be evaluated or noticed – for good or for bad.

Second, I’ve told the person giving me the compliment that their opinion is wrong. (I’ve basically said, “You think this old dress is nice?! Your taste is questionable.”) Imagine if I’d simply replied “Thank you; that makes me feel great. This dress is a favorite of mine.” Then everyone would feel good!

This can be a hard behavior to change. For me it’s a quick reflex to deflect a compliment (think of Wonder Woman deflecting bullets with her bracelets). This is an old behavior from childhood that became habitual. Today, sometimes I can catch myself before falling into my old patterns by being present in conversations and thinking before I speak.

If you tend to deflect compliments rather than graciously accepting them, ask yourself why. Try to start catching yourself and retrain yourself to say a simple “thank you.” You’ll feel better – and so will the person who was nice enough to notice how terrific you are!

You look marvelous! You’re welcome.

p.s. Note that I’m assuming here that the compliment given is sincere and appropriate. In practice, especially at work, it’s often better to compliment someone’s abilities/talents/progress/efforts than their looks. And some compliments can be offensive, for example, if they are sexually or racially charged. So if you receive an inappropriate compliment, you are not required to meekly say “thank you!”

p.p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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I was working with a client recently and asked her to rate her level of satisfaction about something on a scale of 1 to 10. She said, “I was going to choose 7, but we’re not allowed to choose 7 at work.”

What’s that now? Tell me more…

She explained that her work team knows they are not allowed to choose 7 because it’s something of a cop out. If the thing is “good enough” then we can leave it as is, maintain the status quo, and not take action to make it even better.

Hmm. Interesting, for sure. Where in my life I am not addressing something that needs improvement just because it’s a 7? My health, fitness, learning, friendships, home, etc? Where are you leaving a 7 as “good enough” when maybe it’s not good enough at all?

And that’s the real issue, I think. Where is a 7 or “good enough” actually enough? What areas are worth the effort to strive for an 8, 9 or 10? This is really up to the individual (or work team) to identify. Maybe a relationship deserves our effort to get it to a 9 level. Maybe health is a 9 level of effort, too. Maybe home is an 8, but my yard is a 7 (i.e., the dandelions are winning). It’s about identifying what’s important and balancing priorities.

Note that we need to distinguish between our level of effort and the results/outcomes we are experiencing. We control our effort, not the outcomes. For example, what if I put a lot of time and energy into my relationship with a family member and that relationship is just so-so? Does that mean that I should put in more effort, or accept, in this case, a 9 level of effort gets me a 5 level of satisfaction with the relationship? It might be that we accept that 5 and call it a win. We may even consider lowering our effort and see if we can still maintain that 5. (Do less?! Yes!)

Again, this is about identifying what’s important to you and making decisions about what efforts and results are “good enough.” Note how you want to spend your life energy, and that there isn’t always a directly proportional relationship between effort and outcomes. What’s worth it to you to try anyway?

Whatever you decide is good enough!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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At the turn of the year, I sometimes post a blog about my dislike of New Year’s resolutions. Instead I talk about some of the things that I find more worthwhile such as goal-setting or a word/phrase of the year or asking myself some big questions.

This year, I missed my January blog entirely. I experienced the perfect storm, which included an actual snowstorm as well as a very busy client and presenting schedule and moving into a new house.

My January focus narrowed down to just work and moving. When I wasn’t on Zoom, I rarely sat down. I struggled to get my workouts in. I ate some weird meals. I neglected friends and family. I packed and unpacked so many boxes. I went to bed tired and got up tired.

I’m guessing that during that period, I may have disappointed some people… I had to say “no” to folks, due to zero flexibility in my schedule. I was leaving my beloved landlords. I wasn’t available for people in my personal life, or I showed up briefly and flustered. Yes, it’s likely I disappointed someone.

I’m learning to be ok with that. I mean, I don’t feel great about disappointing people, but I know that sometimes folks won’t like my choices – even when I am doing my best. And I know that sometimes I just can’t give-it-my-all enough to make others happy.

It is really difficult for many of us to disappoint others. (Yes, I see you, my fellow co-dependents!) The best you may be able to do is build some awareness around when you are twisting yourself into a pretzel for others. Notice how that makes you feel, both emotionally and physically. Accept that that is where you are right now.

Then, consider your options. Is there something you are able to do that you want to do for someone else? Does it take care of them at the expense of your own self-care, sleep or sanity? These are just choices; try to make healthy ones while keeping in mind that your circumstances will change. Your best will change. You will be able to invest in those important relationships again when this storm passes.

Crazy-busy times are an opportunity for personal growth: an opportunity to say “no,” to practice disappointing others, and to learn to be with the feelings it causes you. Now, there’s a worthy goal for 2024!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year: full of get-togethers with beloved family and friends, great food, holiday music, and twinkly lights. And too many commitments, end-of-year work deadlines, random crises, and missing those who aren’t with us at the holidays. It’s special, and it’s stressful.

Here’s what my clients often need to be reminded of during this season.

Extreme self care is pretty much always the right answer. Taking care of yourself is critical when you are stretched too thin. You might think you don’t have time to take care of you during the holidays, but you’d be wrong. You have to take care of you and your health so you can be there with – and for – your loved ones.

You are ok even when you don’t feel ok. The stressors and sadness we deal with throughout the year often feel amplified at the holidays. If you find yourself feeling down, be sure to take care of you and reach out for help if you need it. And remind yourself things always get different; you will feel better – and probably sooner than you think.

Always do your best, with the knowledge that your best is wildly different from day to day. Don’t expect to perform at your healthiest, most well-rested, highest level every day – and certainly not during the holidays. Maybe you’ve got a cold. Or your child has a cold. Maybe the sheer volume of events/work/cooking/wrapping presents/hosting has you at your limits. Give yourself some grace. You got dressed today and showed up? You deserve an award. Truly, you do.

My wish for you is a joyful holiday and a happy, healthy 2024. And that you give yourself some grace now and in the new year!

Merry everything!

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