Please stop saying you’re “helping”
Last month’s blog was a request to ask folks to please stop saying they are a “people pleaser.” This month, it is a request to please stop saying you’re “helping.”
I’m a recovering fixer. I liked to help by jumping in and fixing other people’s problems – or feelings. This meant I did a lot of assuming: what the problem was, what the other person thought the problem was, that I knew the solution, what the other person thought a good solution was, what the other person was feeling, that they wanted to feel differently, and that my fix was helpful. Lots of room for error in all of those assumptions!
What I’ve learned is that I don’t need to assume or guess what might be helpful to another person. I can ask them. (I’ll say it again for the people in the back: I can ask the other person what they would find helpful.) Have you ever tried to cheer someone up who just needed you to sit with them while they were sad? Then you know what I’m talking about.
I also had to learn to take care of myself and meet my own needs before I get into other people’s business. If I don’t meet my own needs first, I may not have the energy to help others. If my needs aren’t met, I might end up wanting the other person to meet them for me and then get resentful (i.e., “I helped you, even though you didn’t ask me to; you should be helping me in return. What’s wrong with you?”).
Here’s another reason why you should rethink “helping:” people get confidence when they do things for themselves. Even if they fail, they figure it out. But inaction kills confidence. When you do things for another person, their confidence is leaching away. Let them have the dignity of their experience, find their own resourcefulness, and increase their confidence.
If you are still compelled to help, rather than asking “can I do that for you,” try instead “how can I support you in doing that?” See the difference? You can assist with the stuck places, and then back off; the other person will likely be grateful for that kind of help.
Not sure if the helping you want to do is healthy or not? Check your motivations. Do you need the other person to be or achieve something so you feel good about you? Take a step back. Are you assuming the other person is incompetent or can’t do the thing? Take a step back. Are you trying to control the other person’s actions, outcomes or experience? Take a step back. Are you trying to help them the way you think they should want help? Take a step back.
Healthy help isn’t about the golden rule of treating others how you want to be treated. Healthy help follows the Platinum Rule: “Treat others how they want to be treated.”
Trust in the resourcefulness of the people around you. And when your needs are taken care of and you want to help from a place of kindness, ask the other person how you might support them.
Sound helpful?
p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.