I’ve been going through a stressful time, so I reached out to my closest Memphis girlfriends for support. We met for dinner, and they quickly circled the wagons, asked what I needed, and surrounded me with understanding and unconditional love.

I emailed them the next day and said, “I have been so touched by everyone’s love and support, that the devil on the edge of my bed last night questioned if I deserved it. (The answer was easier to see this morning. Yes I do. So f* off, you little jerk!)”

Now I’m good for swearing now and again, but I try to keep my emails rated PG-13. And southerners (compared to some of us from the northeast) tend to go pretty easy on the cursing. However, I must have struck a nerve, because my girlfriends’ replies were pretty awesome – and they didn’t use the asterisks.

One said, “Oh, I am so familiar with that devil on the edge of the bed – and yes, tell her to F*CK OFF!” And another wrote, “Ok, you’ve inspired me to help myself…Beginning the elimination diet. Starting yoga next Thursday. Telling the devil to f*ck off. Telling myself I’m lovable…”

Yes indeed, I’d struck a chord. That same devil seems to make the rounds to a whole lot of us at night – when it’s dark and we are most vulnerable to fear and doubt. When we cannot see or feel our own light. Most of us have met that devil and heard its whispers.

Lucky for us, morning comes and we see more clearly and accurately. We may shrug off those fears and doubts in the light of day and just keep moving forward, but I have found that there is power in sharing our struggles with the people who care about us. Power in acknowledging our worth and worthiness to be loved. And, occasionally, power in standing up for ourselves and telling the devil to f* off.

What doubts come creeping in for you at night? Who can you share them with? Where do you need to stand in your power?

You know what to do!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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I admit, I was sort of an odd kid.  On long car rides, when most kids would impatiently ask “Are we there yet?,” I anxiously asked “Are we lost?”  I suppose I’ve always been a bit of a worrier.  Those of you who regularly read my blog may have noticed some common themes: relieving stress, reducing negative thoughts, letting go, letting it be, etc.  These blogs contain many of the principles I practice, and I am happy to report that all are helpful and effective – and come more easily over time with repetition.  While some of us may have a natural tendency to worry, we can still learn to lessen that stress.

Recently a trusted adviser noted that I seem to do best when juggling a number of things professionally and having multiple irons in the fire.  He matter-of-factly said, “you deal from a high level of nervous energy.”  He said this so free of judgment that I was actually able to hear it for the first time without judgment.  What if I simply accepted that it is part of my innate disposition to function with a certain amount of worry and stress?

That doesn’t let me off the hook for taking care of myself, but it would allow me to be more self-accepting and not worry about being a worrier!  In fact, research is showing that believing that stress is bad for your health, is actually what’s bad for you – not the stress itself!  Research shows that when people thought of stress – and the physical stress response – as helpful (e.g., prepping the body for action or helping one rise to a challenge), it changed their physical response and relaxed their blood vessels during stress.

For more on the research, have a look at this enlightening TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal: “How to make stress your friend.”  You’ll also learn more about how stress motivates you to strengthen close relationships by getting and giving support.

So maybe the real challenge here is not to try to change who or how I am, but instead to change my thinking.  I can use the many tools I have to take care of myself and accept who I am without judgment as well as start to see stress as something that helps me rise to the challenges in my life and support others in meeting their own.  And suddenly, I feel more relaxed.

What is your current relationship like with stress and worry?  What do you believe about stress?  How could changing your thinking help you to be healthier, more relaxed and more resilient?

Big sigh!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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A number of years ago, I had the privilege of seeing a wonderful therapist.  She was a tiny Indian woman with a British accent, my own small Buddha.  At the time, my life was pretty messy and my anxiety level was incredibly high.

I would describe situation after situation to her that I was desperately trying to fix, but failing.  And in all sincerity, she would look at me and ask, “could you just let this be?”  And then, complete with gentle hand motions, she would ask, “could you just let this open like a flower?”

I remember staring at her incredulously, unblinking, and thinking to myself, “have you even been paying attention?!  What about me makes you think that I could just let anything be?”

I’d like to say that 5+ years later I am a master at letting things be, but that would be profoundly untrue.  However, with years of practice, I now have awareness; sometimes I try to let things be (especially things that aren’t my responsibility), and I succeed every now and then.  And sometimes I still can’t stop myself from worrying or trying to fix things and make them “right.”  While I am better than I used to be, I still have plenty of room for improvement.

Recently someone asked about my “PSA.”  He wanted to know if I was in the Problem (future), the Solution (past), or taking Action (the present).  Of course, the present is where it’s at, and I was excited at the prospect of taking action – until I realized that “letting it be” was the right action to take.

There’s a lot of peace in letting it be, but the truth is, it’s hard.  As you practice, be gentle with yourself and know you won’t always succeed.  Hopefully, the small moments of serenity you do achieve – even in tough times – will keep you motivated to keep trying.

What do you need to stop trying to fix?  What’s the thing that you really need to let be?  What could you let “open like a flower?!”

“There will be an answer, let it be…”     — The Beatles

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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Feeling stressed, worried or anxious?  First, slow down.  Take a deep breath.  Be sure to exhale.  Two more deep breaths – in and out.  Now ask yourself a few of the questions below and see what provides a little relief for your situation.

1.  What’s wrong in this present moment?
This is the question the Buddhist monks ask.  It’s sort of irritating, because the answer – unless you’re in acute physical discomfort – is always “nothing.”  Another great reason to be mindful and live in the present.

2.  Will this matter in a week/month/year?
Sometimes the things we are most stressed out about crumble and disappear when we ask this question.  It gets at the heart of whether or not we’re dealing with something that’s truly important to us.

3.  What would it look like if this turned out really well?
You can run worst case scenarios all day long, but the same part of your brain responsible for that function is also designed for daydreaming.  So ask this question and give best case scenarios equal playing time.

4.  Is this my responsibility?
If the thing you are worrying about isn’t your responsibility, relax and pray for all involved.  (As my friend’s grandmother used to say “you can worry or you can pray, but you can’t do both.”)  It can be hard not to interfere, but allow other people to experience their own successes and failures; both build confidence.

5.  What can I do right now from where I am with what I have?
For things that are your responsibility, ask this question and then do that thing – and reassure yourself that you’ve done what you could.  Then go distract yourself with something else.

6.  What’s the next loving thing I could do?
You really can’t go wrong with this question, as long as you remember that the loving thing is probably what you can do for you – and not for someone else.  Remember to take care of yourself first.  The better you do that, the more you will have to offer others.

7.  What would a caring friend tell me to do?
If you are out-of-practice when it comes to taking care of yourself, ask this question and then follow the advice in the answer.  It’s likely to be something that takes care of you.  If you hear internal voices telling you why you shouldn’t take care of yourself or that it’s selfish, thank them and keep going.  You are worthy of your own kindness.

8.  What do I need in this moment?
It’s a huge leap forward in our awareness when we can stop in a stressful moment and identify what we need.  Rest?  Support?  A snack?  Respect?  If you want to go to the next level, give that thing to yourself.

9.  Ask the other person, “How can I support you best?”
When you have a loved one who’s upset, their troubles and stress can be contagious.  But to all the fixers and mind-readers, before you put in a lot of effort solving other people’s problems (who may not want your help), how about asking what they would find helpful.  It may be for you to just listen.

10.  Who can I ask for help?
Often we assume we have to go it alone and handle everything ourselves.  Think of all of the people that you help.  Most of them would love to return the favor.  Just ask.

What are some of the questions you like to ask yourself to help reduce stress?  Please share them and your comments at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

Keep breathing!

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