I admit, I was sort of an odd kid.  On long car rides, when most kids would impatiently ask “Are we there yet?,” I anxiously asked “Are we lost?”  I suppose I’ve always been a bit of a worrier.  Those of you who regularly read my blog may have noticed some common themes: relieving stress, reducing negative thoughts, letting go, letting it be, etc.  These blogs contain many of the principles I practice, and I am happy to report that all are helpful and effective – and come more easily over time with repetition.  While some of us may have a natural tendency to worry, we can still learn to lessen that stress.

Recently a trusted adviser noted that I seem to do best when juggling a number of things professionally and having multiple irons in the fire.  He matter-of-factly said, “you deal from a high level of nervous energy.”  He said this so free of judgment that I was actually able to hear it for the first time without judgment.  What if I simply accepted that it is part of my innate disposition to function with a certain amount of worry and stress?

That doesn’t let me off the hook for taking care of myself, but it would allow me to be more self-accepting and not worry about being a worrier!  In fact, research is showing that believing that stress is bad for your health, is actually what’s bad for you – not the stress itself!  Research shows that when people thought of stress – and the physical stress response – as helpful (e.g., prepping the body for action or helping one rise to a challenge), it changed their physical response and relaxed their blood vessels during stress.

For more on the research, have a look at this enlightening TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal: “How to make stress your friend.”  You’ll also learn more about how stress motivates you to strengthen close relationships by getting and giving support.

So maybe the real challenge here is not to try to change who or how I am, but instead to change my thinking.  I can use the many tools I have to take care of myself and accept who I am without judgment as well as start to see stress as something that helps me rise to the challenges in my life and support others in meeting their own.  And suddenly, I feel more relaxed.

What is your current relationship like with stress and worry?  What do you believe about stress?  How could changing your thinking help you to be healthier, more relaxed and more resilient?

Big sigh!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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A number of years ago, I had the privilege of seeing a wonderful therapist.  She was a tiny Indian woman with a British accent, my own small Buddha.  At the time, my life was pretty messy and my anxiety level was incredibly high.

I would describe situation after situation to her that I was desperately trying to fix, but failing.  And in all sincerity, she would look at me and ask, “could you just let this be?”  And then, complete with gentle hand motions, she would ask, “could you just let this open like a flower?”

I remember staring at her incredulously, unblinking, and thinking to myself, “have you even been paying attention?!  What about me makes you think that I could just let anything be?”

I’d like to say that 5+ years later I am a master at letting things be, but that would be profoundly untrue.  However, with years of practice, I now have awareness; sometimes I try to let things be (especially things that aren’t my responsibility), and I succeed every now and then.  And sometimes I still can’t stop myself from worrying or trying to fix things and make them “right.”  While I am better than I used to be, I still have plenty of room for improvement.

Recently someone asked about my “PSA.”  He wanted to know if I was in the Problem (future), the Solution (past), or taking Action (the present).  Of course, the present is where it’s at, and I was excited at the prospect of taking action – until I realized that “letting it be” was the right action to take.

There’s a lot of peace in letting it be, but the truth is, it’s hard.  As you practice, be gentle with yourself and know you won’t always succeed.  Hopefully, the small moments of serenity you do achieve – even in tough times – will keep you motivated to keep trying.

What do you need to stop trying to fix?  What’s the thing that you really need to let be?  What could you let “open like a flower?!”

“There will be an answer, let it be…”     — The Beatles

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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Feeling stressed, worried or anxious?  First, slow down.  Take a deep breath.  Be sure to exhale.  Two more deep breaths – in and out.  Now ask yourself a few of the questions below and see what provides a little relief for your situation.

1.  What’s wrong in this present moment?
This is the question the Buddhist monks ask.  It’s sort of irritating, because the answer – unless you’re in acute physical discomfort – is always “nothing.”  Another great reason to be mindful and live in the present.

2.  Will this matter in a week/month/year?
Sometimes the things we are most stressed out about crumble and disappear when we ask this question.  It gets at the heart of whether or not we’re dealing with something that’s truly important to us.

3.  What would it look like if this turned out really well?
You can run worst case scenarios all day long, but the same part of your brain responsible for that function is also designed for daydreaming.  So ask this question and give best case scenarios equal playing time.

4.  Is this my responsibility?
If the thing you are worrying about isn’t your responsibility, relax and pray for all involved.  (As my friend’s grandmother used to say “you can worry or you can pray, but you can’t do both.”)  It can be hard not to interfere, but allow other people to experience their own successes and failures; both build confidence.

5.  What can I do right now from where I am with what I have?
For things that are your responsibility, ask this question and then do that thing – and reassure yourself that you’ve done what you could.  Then go distract yourself with something else.

6.  What’s the next loving thing I could do?
You really can’t go wrong with this question, as long as you remember that the loving thing is probably what you can do for you – and not for someone else.  Remember to take care of yourself first.  The better you do that, the more you will have to offer others.

7.  What would a caring friend tell me to do?
If you are out-of-practice when it comes to taking care of yourself, ask this question and then follow the advice in the answer.  It’s likely to be something that takes care of you.  If you hear internal voices telling you why you shouldn’t take care of yourself or that it’s selfish, thank them and keep going.  You are worthy of your own kindness.

8.  What do I need in this moment?
It’s a huge leap forward in our awareness when we can stop in a stressful moment and identify what we need.  Rest?  Support?  A snack?  Respect?  If you want to go to the next level, give that thing to yourself.

9.  Ask the other person, “How can I support you best?”
When you have a loved one who’s upset, their troubles and stress can be contagious.  But to all the fixers and mind-readers, before you put in a lot of effort solving other people’s problems (who may not want your help), how about asking what they would find helpful.  It may be for you to just listen.

10.  Who can I ask for help?
Often we assume we have to go it alone and handle everything ourselves.  Think of all of the people that you help.  Most of them would love to return the favor.  Just ask.

What are some of the questions you like to ask yourself to help reduce stress?  Please share them and your comments at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

Keep breathing!

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The other day I sat down with the notion to write a blog, hoping to “bump into some inspiration,” as my friend would say.  No ideas readily jumped out at me, so I scrolled through my old blogs.  I have to be honest: I was kind of impressed.  I’ve written some pretty cool blogs!  And then I got intimidated and had the thought, “what if I never have another good idea for a blog or write anything good again?!”

It’s an old fear that I recognize: “what if I never get another good grade/job/boyfriend/[insert your irrational fear here]?”  It’s a fear with no basis in fact that, when said out loud, actually sounds silly.  And yet I still feel like a rabbit on high alert, whiskers quivering – not necessarily waiting for something bad to happen, but just feeling rather certain that nothing good will ever happen again.

Thankfully, the feeling is short-lived.  It simply doesn’t stand up when compared to reality.  There’s no evidence to support the idea that the goodness of the universe is finite and that any one individual such as myself can somehow use up their allotment.

So the next time you find yourself in in a negative thought loop, compare your thought to reality and see if it dissolves and dissipates.  If it doesn’t, and it’s a stubborn rumination that you keep feeding evidence to (giving it more power), a simple reality check won’t work.  True ruminations can only be calmed by a distraction.  Time to watch a funny movie, get out of the house, or get into the tub.   (Or try one of my all-time favorite videos – whose characters were made more popular by a recent television commercial:  https://youtu.be/d79ArrL8VRg)

Negative thoughts and fears are sneaky.  What’s an irrational idea that creeps up on you from time to time?  Does it stand up to a reality check?  What about ruminations – do you have any usual ones?  If so, what’s the distraction you’ll try next time you find yourself stuck in one?

Good luck – and happy thoughts!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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One of the few things we truly have control of is making meaning from the events in our lives.  However, doing that takes perspective and for some time to pass.  Then we have the opportunity to see what we learned from our difficulties as well as the gifts we received from our challenges and all the “good” that came out of “bad” times.

I put the words good/bad in quotes above, because those are judgments we make in the moment.  They are simply labels that may or may not hold true as time passes.  Our challenge – and it’s not easy and takes practice – is to stop labeling events as “good” or “bad” as they occur.  When we consistently label what’s happening right now in a negative way, we create suffering for ourselves.  Whether that thing is truly “bad” or not…well, only time will tell.

Consider this well-known Chinese fable:

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.

Sometimes this story is told with “maybe” and sometimes with “we’ll see,” further demonstrating that only time can provide perspective on the events in our lives and tell us the whole story.  So our task is to try to take things in stride, to avoid judging events as good/bad, and to simply accept what comes.

Does this mean we never get to celebrate?  No way!  But rather than celebrate outcomes (over which we have no control), we can choose to celebrate our efforts instead – or our gratitude for all things in our lives.

Sound hard to maintain this kind of equanimity?  Start small with minor inconveniences and misfortunes.  Get aware of how often you judge and label the events in your life, and note if you are causing yourself needless worry or suffering.  Practice this consistently, and life will become less of a roller-coaster and more of a serene boat ride.

Happy sailing!

p.s.  Like many bloggers, I’ve turned the comments off on my website due to spam.  Lots and lots of spam.  However, this blog is also posted on my Facebook page, and I invite and welcome your comments there.  Or, as many folks do, you can email me directly; I always love to hear from everyone!

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