My plans include that I blog twice a month. I do that as a service to provide space for reflection for my readers and for me – and simply to stay connected. (I love hearing from people after I post a blog!) As of today, it has now been a full month since my last blog. Oops.

October was a busy month personally and professionally (more here in my November 2nd FB post), so I missed my blogging goal. I could get down on myself, beat myself up, or give myself a lecture. But that’s not necessary, and I prefer to opt for kindness.

Missing a blog deadline by a couple weeks isn’t great, but it’s not the end of the world. There’s no reason for me to start throwing around words like “blame” or “failure.”

Instead, I see this simply as a choice. I had more to get done than I had time to do it in, so I had to set priorities and make choices – knowing that those choices come with consequences. The great thing about choices is that if I don’t like a choice I made, I can always make a new choice.

In October, I chose to do other work first. I chose to accept the consequences of my choices. And I chose to be kind to myself. Those are choices I can feel good about.

The next time you are faced with more to-do’s than you can handle, I encourage you to treat yourself with kindness. Don’t unnecessarily introduce blame into the situation. Make the best choices you can with an awareness of the consequences. And if you don’t like a choice you made, then make a new one.

Choose kindly!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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Many years ago I had a wonderful therapist who helped me through a difficult time filled with loss and change. She said to me, “Right now, you are in the storm. One day, you’ll look back on this and say, ‘that was really hard.’” Not that-was-hard-but-you-learned-many-lessons-and-should-be-grateful-for-the-challenges; she knew I wasn’t ready to hear that yet. She simply acknowledged where I was and that it wouldn’t always be like this.

That stuck with me, and I know now that all storms pass. Of course, when you are in the center of one, it doesn’t make it any easier to get rained on, tossed around by the wind, or struck by lightening. Ouch.

But know that it will pass. If you don’t like where you are right now, that’s ok; it will get different. And when times are sweet, savor them; be present and grateful. They, too, will change. Hopefully into something even sweeter, but an occasional cloud or shower – or maybe even a storm – will blow through as well. And when the storm ends and the clouds clear, you’ll probably be able to see the lessons in those tough times and even feel some gratitude. But while you’re in the storm, it’s ok to just acknowledge “this is really hard.”

A storm is a great metaphor for the difficult times in our lives – so is a shipwreck.  I’ve shared this wonderful piece on loss and grief with a number of people and want to share it with you, too.  (Hopefully you’re not in need of it at this time.)
http://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”    – James M. Barrie

Wishing you few shipwrecks and many roses!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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There is a parable (by an unknown author) called “Carrots, Eggs and Coffee.” It goes like this…

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one would pop up.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire, and soon the pots came to boil. In the first pot she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma then asked,

“What does it mean, grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

Cool story, right? Who doesn’t want to be coffee and transform their trial into something new and better? But the point of sharing this parable isn’t so you judge yourself harshly if you are not at your best in adversity.

Truth be told, during a difficult time I am often an egg, sometimes a carrot, and only rarely and through grace have I ever managed to come close to coffee. I think the real point of the story is to be aware of where you are and recognize that even during a trial there is some space for choice – perhaps for gratitude, surrender or self-compassion. So if you can’t get your coffee on, be gentle with yourself; some days the best we can do is to be a carrot or an egg.

The best you can do today will be just fine!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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I exchanged email with my former coach recently. I told him that I’d been experiencing some upheaval in my personal life. I admitted to having a lot of insight about the situation, but that I was currently unwilling to let go of the past and the sadness I was feeling. I was unwilling to move towards an uncertain future.

In his typical supportive brilliance, my coach encouraged me to “commit even more deeply to paralysis.” He told me to be the prisoner – and to plan my prison break!

While I have no desire to wallow in despair or play the victim, I can be gentle with myself and move at my own pace. I can ask myself, “what would take the best care of me right now?” (Note: “care” does not equal “self-indulgence.”)

In difficult times, compassion goes a long way. Compassion for ourselves so that we have time to feel our feelings – rather than stuff those feelings down and rush to move on like we think we should – and compassion for others. It is usually true that they are doing the best they can.

The next time you experience a tough time, try to find some compassion. Ask what your feelings are trying to tell you. And ask what – and what pace – would take care of you best.

Wishing everyone compassion!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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I’ve been going through a stressful time, so I reached out to my closest Memphis girlfriends for support. We met for dinner, and they quickly circled the wagons, asked what I needed, and surrounded me with understanding and unconditional love.

I emailed them the next day and said, “I have been so touched by everyone’s love and support, that the devil on the edge of my bed last night questioned if I deserved it. (The answer was easier to see this morning. Yes I do. So f* off, you little jerk!)”

Now I’m good for swearing now and again, but I try to keep my emails rated PG-13. And southerners (compared to some of us from the northeast) tend to go pretty easy on the cursing. However, I must have struck a nerve, because my girlfriends’ replies were pretty awesome – and they didn’t use the asterisks.

One said, “Oh, I am so familiar with that devil on the edge of the bed – and yes, tell her to F*CK OFF!” And another wrote, “Ok, you’ve inspired me to help myself…Beginning the elimination diet. Starting yoga next Thursday. Telling the devil to f*ck off. Telling myself I’m lovable…”

Yes indeed, I’d struck a chord. That same devil seems to make the rounds to a whole lot of us at night – when it’s dark and we are most vulnerable to fear and doubt. When we cannot see or feel our own light. Most of us have met that devil and heard its whispers.

Lucky for us, morning comes and we see more clearly and accurately. We may shrug off those fears and doubts in the light of day and just keep moving forward, but I have found that there is power in sharing our struggles with the people who care about us. Power in acknowledging our worth and worthiness to be loved. And, occasionally, power in standing up for ourselves and telling the devil to f* off.

What doubts come creeping in for you at night? Who can you share them with? Where do you need to stand in your power?

You know what to do!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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