Feeling stressed, worried or anxious?  First, slow down.  Take a deep breath.  Be sure to exhale.  Two more deep breaths – in and out.  Now ask yourself a few of the questions below and see what provides a little relief for your situation.

1.  What’s wrong in this present moment?
This is the question the Buddhist monks ask.  It’s sort of irritating, because the answer – unless you’re in acute physical discomfort – is always “nothing.”  Another great reason to be mindful and live in the present.

2.  Will this matter in a week/month/year?
Sometimes the things we are most stressed out about crumble and disappear when we ask this question.  It gets at the heart of whether or not we’re dealing with something that’s truly important to us.

3.  What would it look like if this turned out really well?
You can run worst case scenarios all day long, but the same part of your brain responsible for that function is also designed for daydreaming.  So ask this question and give best case scenarios equal playing time.

4.  Is this my responsibility?
If the thing you are worrying about isn’t your responsibility, relax and pray for all involved.  (As my friend’s grandmother used to say “you can worry or you can pray, but you can’t do both.”)  It can be hard not to interfere, but allow other people to experience their own successes and failures; both build confidence.

5.  What can I do right now from where I am with what I have?
For things that are your responsibility, ask this question and then do that thing – and reassure yourself that you’ve done what you could.  Then go distract yourself with something else.

6.  What’s the next loving thing I could do?
You really can’t go wrong with this question, as long as you remember that the loving thing is probably what you can do for you – and not for someone else.  Remember to take care of yourself first.  The better you do that, the more you will have to offer others.

7.  What would a caring friend tell me to do?
If you are out-of-practice when it comes to taking care of yourself, ask this question and then follow the advice in the answer.  It’s likely to be something that takes care of you.  If you hear internal voices telling you why you shouldn’t take care of yourself or that it’s selfish, thank them and keep going.  You are worthy of your own kindness.

8.  What do I need in this moment?
It’s a huge leap forward in our awareness when we can stop in a stressful moment and identify what we need.  Rest?  Support?  A snack?  Respect?  If you want to go to the next level, give that thing to yourself.

9.  Ask the other person, “How can I support you best?”
When you have a loved one who’s upset, their troubles and stress can be contagious.  But to all the fixers and mind-readers, before you put in a lot of effort solving other people’s problems (who may not want your help), how about asking what they would find helpful.  It may be for you to just listen.

10.  Who can I ask for help?
Often we assume we have to go it alone and handle everything ourselves.  Think of all of the people that you help.  Most of them would love to return the favor.  Just ask.

What are some of the questions you like to ask yourself to help reduce stress?  Please share them and your comments at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

Keep breathing!

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The other day I sat down with the notion to write a blog, hoping to “bump into some inspiration,” as my friend would say.  No ideas readily jumped out at me, so I scrolled through my old blogs.  I have to be honest: I was kind of impressed.  I’ve written some pretty cool blogs!  And then I got intimidated and had the thought, “what if I never have another good idea for a blog or write anything good again?!”

It’s an old fear that I recognize: “what if I never get another good grade/job/boyfriend/[insert your irrational fear here]?”  It’s a fear with no basis in fact that, when said out loud, actually sounds silly.  And yet I still feel like a rabbit on high alert, whiskers quivering – not necessarily waiting for something bad to happen, but just feeling rather certain that nothing good will ever happen again.

Thankfully, the feeling is short-lived.  It simply doesn’t stand up when compared to reality.  There’s no evidence to support the idea that the goodness of the universe is finite and that any one individual such as myself can somehow use up their allotment.

So the next time you find yourself in in a negative thought loop, compare your thought to reality and see if it dissolves and dissipates.  If it doesn’t, and it’s a stubborn rumination that you keep feeding evidence to (giving it more power), a simple reality check won’t work.  True ruminations can only be calmed by a distraction.  Time to watch a funny movie, get out of the house, or get into the tub.   (Or try one of my all-time favorite videos – whose characters were made more popular by a recent television commercial:  https://youtu.be/d79ArrL8VRg)

Negative thoughts and fears are sneaky.  What’s an irrational idea that creeps up on you from time to time?  Does it stand up to a reality check?  What about ruminations – do you have any usual ones?  If so, what’s the distraction you’ll try next time you find yourself stuck in one?

Good luck – and happy thoughts!

p.s.  Your comments/likes are most welcome at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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One of the few things we truly have control of is making meaning from the events in our lives.  However, doing that takes perspective and for some time to pass.  Then we have the opportunity to see what we learned from our difficulties as well as the gifts we received from our challenges and all the “good” that came out of “bad” times.

I put the words good/bad in quotes above, because those are judgments we make in the moment.  They are simply labels that may or may not hold true as time passes.  Our challenge – and it’s not easy and takes practice – is to stop labeling events as “good” or “bad” as they occur.  When we consistently label what’s happening right now in a negative way, we create suffering for ourselves.  Whether that thing is truly “bad” or not…well, only time will tell.

Consider this well-known Chinese fable:

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.

Sometimes this story is told with “maybe” and sometimes with “we’ll see,” further demonstrating that only time can provide perspective on the events in our lives and tell us the whole story.  So our task is to try to take things in stride, to avoid judging events as good/bad, and to simply accept what comes.

Does this mean we never get to celebrate?  No way!  But rather than celebrate outcomes (over which we have no control), we can choose to celebrate our efforts instead – or our gratitude for all things in our lives.

Sound hard to maintain this kind of equanimity?  Start small with minor inconveniences and misfortunes.  Get aware of how often you judge and label the events in your life, and note if you are causing yourself needless worry or suffering.  Practice this consistently, and life will become less of a roller-coaster and more of a serene boat ride.

Happy sailing!

p.s.  Like many bloggers, I’ve turned the comments off on my website due to spam.  Lots and lots of spam.  However, this blog is also posted on my Facebook page, and I invite and welcome your comments there.  Or, as many folks do, you can email me directly; I always love to hear from everyone!

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“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”    – Henry Ford

What do you think you can or cannot accomplish?  What do you believe is within your grasp – or just beyond it?  What is it that you want to be, do or have, but you think “that’s for other people, not for someone like me?”

All of us have limiting beliefs.  These are beliefs we chose once, often a long time ago, and now they are unconscious.  We’ve believed these ideas for so long, they seem like “the truth.”  And they will be – we will live down to these beliefs and find ways to make them true over and over – unless we bring them to our awareness, understand them and challenge them.

Here’s Arthur’s inspiring story about what happens when you challenge what you believe about yourself.

The limiting beliefs we have may look like they are keeping us safe, but really they are keeping us small.  Think about where your life (i.e., the reality you have created with your choices) isn’t quite what you want.  There’s probably a limiting belief there.  What is it?  Try to think of a time when that belief wasn’t true.  Consider what you get from having that belief, what it costs you, and who you could be without it.  Then choose a new belief to try out for a couple weeks.

Remember, a belief is a choice, and you can choose a new one anytime.  It can be aspirational, but keep it in the realm of something you think could be possible – even if you aren’t quite sure yet.  Over the next few weeks, keep this new belief in your awareness and take small actions that support it.  Over time, this new, empowering choice will replace the old limiting belief, and your life will start to look more like the one you’ve always wanted.

Choose wisely!

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