“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ve been contemplating taking a break from the news and from Facebook; the ongoing violence and loss in our country is heartbreaking – and this last week, unbearable. The anger, sadness and divisiveness are overwhelming, and my instinct has largely been to withdraw from the conversation. Here’s what I would like to share…

Several years ago, I had the privilege of seeing the Dalai Lama speak. He said that we must love our enemies because otherwise they may never witness love or know what it looks like. We have to model the behavior we want. We have to give what we want to get – even though we may never get it.

This is one of the essential concepts in coaching: 100% responsibility. It says “I have 0% control over you; I have 100% control over how I choose respond to you.” I am always at choice, and I am always entirely responsible for my behavior. (Although sometimes I may need to take a little time before I respond, so that I have a response I will be proud of.)

I choose to respond to recent events with love and kindness. I empathize with people’s sadness and loss. I try not to judge others if my views differ from theirs; I don’t accept bigotry or hatred in any form, but I understand that people are more than just how they act out their fear. And some days, in order to show love and kindness to myself, I may need to take a break from the news. These are my choices. What are yours?

I send my loving energy and prayers to everyone, especially those who are coming together to participate in a peaceful, thoughtful conversation about how to make the positive changes our country needs to make. I am hopeful that our collective kindness will be greater than our fear.

xoxo

p.s. Your comments are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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It’s time to change the negative way we use the word “selfish.” It’s a rare person who is truly selfish all of the time: one who always takes and never gives. Not even one of my clients is selfish, but many of them worry about it.

The truth is that people who are a bit selfish are happier, healthier, and have better careers. And here’s the big surprise: they also have better relationships. That’s because they are taking care of themselves and meeting their own needs instead of relying on others. Being selfish isn’t being mean or bad or neglectful of others; it’s being a mature adult.

This comes up with my clients all of the time, and I ask them to answer the following questions. “What do you need right now? Can you give it to yourself? If not, who can you ask for help?” For example, maybe I need a break; then it’s time to go for a walk or head to the movies. Parents with small children may have to take the kids along or ask someone to watch them.

What if you need a little appreciation? If you find that you are stewing about other people not acknowledging your efforts, ask if you’ve already acknowledged yourself. Additionally, acknowledging you is a skill the other person may not have. You may have to tell that person what you need. For example, “It means a lot to me when my efforts are recognized. I would really appreciate hearing how you felt about my contribution with regards to Project X.”

Identifying what you need in the moment, meeting your own “selfish” needs, and/or asking for help is a skill set. You build it over time and should expect to do it imperfectly at first. And if someone notices you taking great care of yourself and calls you selfish, be sure to thank them!

What do you need? Where can you be more selfish?

Here’s to choosing you!

p.s. Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

 

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Several weeks ago I was conducting a workshop on values (i.e., what’s most important to you) and noted that we shouldn’t expect to fully meet all of our values at our jobs. Some of our values may need to be expressed outside the workplace.

One participant had a value of freedom, but he didn’t feel he was currently honoring that value due to his job and busy schedule. I asked where he might carve out just one hour of free time for himself during the next couple weeks. He said that wasn’t possible. I often hear this from clients, too – especially from working Moms with young children. First, we need to shift the limiting belief of “I don’t have an hour” to an empowering question of “how can I clear an hour for myself in my calendar?”

Need a little motivation? Envision yourself with some free time. What would you do? Call a friend, get a pedicure, take a walk – or a nap? How would you feel? Hang onto that; it’s those feelings that will help motivate you.

So, how will you create that hour? Is it time to call in reinforcements and ask for help? Can you delegate? Can you give up something else or perhaps do just an adequate job on something? Maybe it’s time to hire a baby-sitter or trade baby-sitting or carpooling duties? (Perfectionist alert: you may have more limiting beliefs to deal with here, too, so you can let go of some things in order to make more space for yourself!)

The truth is, great time managers don’t have more hours in their days. They set priorities, don’t do their best work on unimportant tasks, and discard other tasks completely. This is all about choices, and you get to choose your priorities.

Where could you do less? Who can you ask for help? How will you create an hour for yourself?

Carry on!

p.s. Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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In my last blog, I asked if you have a strong professional support system for the challenges you may face in your career. But what about your personal support system for the struggles of everyday life? Who is in your inner circle: friends, family, your significant other?

I encourage my clients who rely solely on their significant other to broaden their circle of support and friendship. This is important for a number of reasons. First, your significant other, especially if they are your spouse, should be allowed to play their appropriate roles of partner, helpmate, lover and friend. Over-relying on them for too much or for other roles can cause imbalance in the relationship.

Second, I especially encourage my younger clients to invest in their same-sex friendships and not abandon those friends when they have a new boyfriend or girlfriend. The truth is that boyfriends and girlfriends often come and go, but your close friends stay with you throughout your lifetime. Do friendships change over time? Of course! Not every friendship is meant to last, and they also go through seasons. But your closest friends deserve your attention summer, fall, winter and spring.

So you have 1,000 friends on social media? Good for you! That’s a great way to stay in touch with people you don’t see often. But it’s not real support or intimacy. Real-time conversations with people you enjoy, trust, and can rely on is what’s needed when times get tough – and the special people in our lives need to know we’re there for them, too.

Sometimes when we are struggling with something big (or ongoing) we worry about being a burden to our friends and family. Or we’re just plain scared to be vulnerable about something painful to us. However, a good friend will make it seem like you’ve given them a gift when you share your difficulties. But if you are tired of complaining to the same friends or need an objective sounding board, don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or coach to get back on track. A professional can be an important part of your personal support network as you sort through feelings or decisions and move past obstacles.

So think about who is in your personal support system. Who do you need to stay in touch with, check in with for no reason, or tell how much you value their friendship? Do you need to add people to your inner circle and cultivate some new friendships? Do you need a professional in your list of contacts, just in case? Give to and invest in your personal network now, and trust it will be there when you need it.

Three cheers for friendship and support!

p.s. Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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