I had an incredible experience last weekend.  I got coached by a horse.

Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I got coached by a talented woman who uses horses in her coaching.  Regardless, it was an unforgettable experience.

The talented woman is veterinarian and coach, Teresa Himebaugh.  As Teresa explained to me, horses are prey animals and are extremely sensitive.  They communicate primarily through body language, as sound would give away the location of the herd.  As coaches, horses provide immediate, honest feedback.

When Teresa went out in the paddock to get her horse, Chance, it was Winnie who inexplicably came right over.  Teresa listened to her intuition and correctly assumed that Winnie had a message to share with me.  Winnie is a young Tennessee Walking Horse, low in the ranking amongst her herd.

Winnie was also once a show horse.  She had heavy “pads” attached to her hooves, designed to make her lift her legs higher, producing a special gait.  Now that the pads had been removed, Winnie looked a little gangly to me, and I noticed she drug her back right foot.  When Teresa invited me to connect with her, I told Winnie how I had worn a lift in my shoe as a teenager for my scoliosis, and it had screwed up my foot a bit.  As I empathized with this miraculous creature and told her she was perfect just as she is, I was certain she understood me.

It was a pleasure to spend time with Winnie – and an incredible way to learn more about my myself.  Teresa invited me to get closer and walk around the ring in the barn with Winnie on a lead.  When I was confident, Winnie followed, walking close to me.  When I deferred to her, she stopped or drifted off.  Leadership lesson learned: it’s appropriate to be cooperative in some cases and to take charge in others.

Teresa also invited me to hold an important message in my head and walk confidently about the ring.  I did, and Winnie followed me (without a lead) around the ring once and then stopped and looked outside the barn at her field and herd.  Teresa and I discussed what this could mean.  I thought that Winnie might want me to let the other horses know what I told her.  Teresa suggested that Winnie was indicating that I should share my message widely and with my own herd.  Perhaps both are true.

So to my herd, my message is this: you are ok as is.  You are perfect just as you are today.  In the most wonderful paradox of life, we all have room to grow and develop; yet, we are all right just as we are in this moment.

What’s your message?  What’s the thing that is so meaningful to you that you want everyone to know?  Please tell us; we need to hear it.

Thanks for sharing!

If you live in the Memphis area and would like to experience coaching with Teresa and her horses, please contact her at 901-849-4355.

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“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”    – Brene Brown

“The irony is that striving to be perfect actually keeps us from getting much of anything done.”    – Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

As a recovering perfectionist, I feel a great deal of compassion for those who struggle with perfectionism.  The real truth is that we are all a mixture of good and bad, dark and light; if we accept this, we can begin to let go of our drive to appear perfect.  Which is a good thing, because the cost of being a perfectionist is incredibly high.

How so, you ask?  Perfectionism keeps us from taking risks and trying new things at which we might be less-than-perfect.  It stalls us while we wait to become perfect at something before we begin.  Perfectionism keeps us striving for others’ approval, instead of giving it to ourselves.  When we appear to have it all together, it makes others feel inadequate – and keeps us from having deeper connections with people (because of our unwillingness to be vulnerable).  And it takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain a perfect facade.

The sad thing is that while the cost of perfectionism is high, it doesn’t really get us anything, because we can never achieve it or feel like we’ve done enough.  It’s a goal that simply can’t be attained, no matter how hard we try.  In addition, as much as we long to control how others see us (i.e., as perfect), the truth is, it’s none of our business what other people think about us.  And it’s such a relief to let go of that!

Today, how can you let go a little of your drive to appear perfect?  Where can you take a chance, even if you can’t guarantee a perfect outcome?  Where could you stop thinking and simply act?  Where could you be a little vulnerable and more authentic?  And how can you shift your focus from being perfect to being the best version of your wonderfully flawed, unique self?

Happy to know the real you!

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I remember when I first heard that no one can give me, or cause me to have, a negative attitude.  My attitude is a choice I make – an incredibly powerful choice because my attitude affects my mood, which affects my thoughts, which affects my actions, which create my reality.  And it all starts with the choice I make about my attitude.

Will I always choose to have a positive attitude?  Most times, if I am aware and mindful.  I don’t want to be a Pollyanna when times are tough, but I can choose to be grateful or find the lesson and meaning in challenges.  Start watching your own attitude; as you get more aware, notice what attitude you choose for yourself and when.

The Cherokee Legend of Two Wolves is a well-known story that illustrates this point beautifully.  It goes like this…

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Choose wisely!

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It was great to see everyone’s comments and emails regarding the last blog on happiness.  Since it seems like a popular topic, let’s stick with it for one more post.

A lot of us spend our time (especially in our 20s and 30s) accumulating stuff – houses, careers, romantic partners, cars, etc – only to find that these things don’t make us much happier.  Which makes a lot of sense, since the research shows those things external to us only account for 10% of our happiness.

In my last blog, I concentrated on a number of the proven practices to boost the 40% of your happiness that you can influence (i.e., practicing gratitude, living in the present, and committing to your goals).  However, another way to increase our happiness, aka positivity, is to decrease our negativity.

In the book “Positivity” by Barbara Fredrickson, we are encouraged to aim for a ratio of three uplifting, heartfelt positive thoughts/experiences for every one negative thought/experience that we endure.  Have no idea what your ratio is?  Take the quiz in Fredrickson’s book or online at www.positivityratio.com/single.php and start becoming aware of your positivity ratio today.

If your ratio isn’t 3:1, don’t worry; about 80% of the population is at 2:1.  In fact, the lower your score, the more beneficial it can be to start by decreasing your negativity.  This may sound like a big shift for pessimists, worriers and perfectionists, but it is possible!  Negativity-reducing activities include disrupting over-thinking by disputing gratuitous negative thoughts; distracting oneself from ruminations; avoiding suppressing negative thoughts and emotions; being a mindful and non-judgmental observer of your thoughts; and becoming aware of and addressing any “negativity land mines” such as gossip and sarcasm, toxic relationships, and non-stop newscasts containing violence.

By making an effort to decrease your negativity, you’ll increase your positivity ratio – and prepare yourself to concentrate on other pleasurable positivity activities.

Want an easy way to shift into positivity in this moment?  Just ask yourself, “What’s going right for me right now?”  : )

C’mon everybody, get happy!

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
—Albert Einstein

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln

I remember the first time I was told that I am 100% responsible for my own happiness.  I thought that perhaps the people in my life could collectively handle at least 10%!  That’s not how it works, but there is a big silver lining here.  If I am 100% responsible for my happiness, then I am not dependent on anyone else for my happiness.  My happiness is within my control.  Well, at least 40% of it is.

Scientific research tells us that our genetic set point for happiness makes up 50% of how happy we are.  Our circumstances (e.g., wealth, health, appearance, romantic relationships, etc.) only make up 10%.  Only 10%!  So if you’re a “I’ll be happy when” kind of person, know that when you get that thing you are after, you’ll be less happy than you think and for a shorter time.

The other 40% of our happiness is within our ability to influence.  How do we do that?  There are a lot of ways, but the actions that have been proven effective are outlined in Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book “The How of Happiness.”  The twelve happiness activities may sound corny or obvious; they are things like practicing gratitude and positive thinking, managing stress, living in the present, and committing to your goals.  (The book provides specific instructions and ways to keep the activities fresh as well as help finding which activities will be a good fit.)

If you are ready and willing to put in some effort, you really can make the choice to become happier.  With a little practice, you’ll not only be happy while you do an activity, but you’ll build new habits (i.e., automatic behaviors) that will help you to be happier over time with less effort.  If you’re ready for a change, give it a try!  Count your blessings, practice random acts of kindness, savor life’s joys, meditate, offer forgiveness, visit a friend, move toward your dreams…

Good luck and happy trails!

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