Confidence is a topic that comes up a lot with my clients; research shows that women especially struggle with this.  In fact, in the workplace, often it’s not the men holding the women back – it’s the women themselves.  While women are busy behaving and trying to get everything perfectly right, men pass them by.  (For example, men will apply for a job if they feel they meet 60% of the job requirements; women prefer to meet all the requirements.)

One of the many reasons I love coaching is that it builds my clients’ confidence.  As the client explores their values and strengths, challenges old beliefs, and embraces their perfect imperfection, they begin to own who they are.  They also build awareness that guides their decisions and choices – and fuels the actions that move them toward their goals.

Need a shot of confidence right now?  Then make sure you watch Amy Cuddy so you know how to do the Wonder Woman pose before that next interview or critical meeting.

Confidence is important, it’s true, but sometimes we’re better off having a little courage instead.  You can’t always wait until you feel confident (that may never happen!) to make an important move.  You’ll never be perfectly prepared.  Identify when you are ready “enough” and go for it.  Even if things don’t go quite how you wanted them to, you’ll still gain confidence because you’ll have learned how to take a risk and how to handle a less-than-perfect result.

So if someone asked you today “who are you?,” could you easily answer?  Are you holding yourself back, waiting until you are perfectly ready or confident?  If you exercised some courage, what risk could you go ahead and take now?

Wishing you confidence and courage!

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As a recent session with a client was coming to a close, he noted that next year at work he needed to “delegate more and lower his standards.”  We agreed that lowering his (very high) standards would create more ease.  And then we had a great laugh about how everyone’s new year’s resolution should be to lower their standards.

Joking aside, perfectionism is pretty much the opposite of ease, and we could all lighten up a little and be kinder to ourselves.  In don Miguel Ruiz’s life-changing book The Four Agreements, agreement number four is to “ always do your best” – with the understanding that your best is wildly different on any given day based on how you are feeling, how well you slept, what your mood is, etc.

It’s simply not possible to perform at the pinnacle level of our best every single day.  By definition, if there’s a best, then there has to be a worst day and a whole bunch of average days in between.

This is where writer and entrepreneur Daniel DiPiazza’s idea of the Good Bad Day comes in.  Imagine you have a goal and you are also having one of those below average days, a day you might even call “bad.”  How can you have a good bad day?  Maybe you intended to go to the gym because you’re trying to get in shape?  Then go get on the elliptical, even if it’s just for ten minutes.  Have a report you’re trying to complete?  Then write one paragraph.

Do the smallest thing you can so you can say you showed up.  And be satisfied (i.e., kind to yourself) and accepting that you had the best bad day you could.  Because if you string enough of those days together, and if you consistently show up despite not being at your best, you will still make progress.

So where can you lower your standards and allow yourself to show up as less than your very best on days when you may not be feeling great?  What’s the smallest thing you can do to move a goal forward and maintain consistency?  And how will you treat yourself when you’ve done what you could on a good bad day?

Good luck – and have a fabulous day!

p.s.  For those of you who believe attitude is everything and every day is a good one, right on!  Thanks for being a role model for the rest of us!

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Every December when I was a little girl, my parents would go into the (very scary) attic on the third floor of our house and drag out boxes of Christmas decorations. As they peered into the boxes to see what needed to come down two flights of stairs, I would stand quietly out of the way, hopping from one foot to the other – about as patient as a girl of 4 or 5 can be.

Eventually, one of them would come across Jingles the Elf and hand him to me, and I would scurry downstairs with my prize. This was the opening of the Christmas season: a time of excitement and warmth, family and friends, decorations and a magical visit to Santa.

As you can see from the picture, Jingles was once a fairly dapper elf. He was also beloved by me and my big sister as children – not an easy job, even for a hard-working elf. Over the decades, his bells and collar have been replaced, holes stitched up, and his work apron exchanged for a belt. In recent years, plenty of friends have raised an eyebrow at Jingles. It’s been suggested that he retire. He’s even been called “creepy.”

Jingles, of course, handles this with good cheer, as do I (see current photo). He is one of my oldest friends and most treasured possessions. He has witnessed all of my Christmases and is a constant in a constantly changing world. Despite sadness or losses that have accumulated through the years, Jingles reminds me of the wonder, innocent delight, and joy of the season. Sure, Jingles and I have seen our share of challenges, but we’re both happy to welcome another Christmas with a smile and open heart.

When I look at Jingles, I see him as his perfect, magnificent, capable elf self. I can feel all the love he has been given through the decades and all the joy he gives back. When I am with Jingles, I am in the presence of Christmas magic.

Perhaps you’ve lost a bell or two. Maybe you had to get a new belt and someone had to help you sew a new collar. Despite your challenges, know that you, too, are loved as your perfect, current self – and seen as the amazing spirit and beautiful person you are.

May we all receive the love of the season. Warmest wishes for the holidays.

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An old colleague and friend of mine recently emailed me regarding one of my blogs.  He said, “[I] Always enjoy reading your words of wisdom.  Hope as we head into the holiday season, you are surrounded with peace, love and joy.”

I wrote back to thank him and wish him the same.  In addition, I wrote, “Of course, it’s really my clients’ wisdom!  They teach me every day.”

So this blog is actually about two things.  The first is how the holidays are a special reminder for us to count our blessings.  To recognize and be grateful for the peace, love and joy in our lives – along with everything else (even the messy stuff) that makes our lives full and interesting.

Gratitude is a powerful emotion and one of my favorites.  Several of the proven activities to increase one’s happiness level are based on gratitude.  In addition, thinking about what you are grateful for helps you to get present and be in the moment.  And since whatever we bring our attention to grows, gratitude is a terrific focus.

The second thing this blog is about happens to be one of the things for which I am most grateful: how much I learn (and relearn) from my clients each day.  This amazing group of people who I am privileged to work with remind me to be kind to myself, to give myself credit for my accomplishments, to accept myself and those around me, to let go of things outside my control, to be my authentic self, and to live the life that lights me up.  Every day my clients teach, enlighten and inspire me.

With Thanksgiving upon us, I hope you’ll take a few minutes in your busy day to get present and grounded in gratitude.  What are you grateful for?  Who needs to know how much you appreciate them?

Happy Thanksgiving!

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My last couple blogs were on the high cost of perfectionism and my message that although we have room to grow and develop, we are perfect as we are right now.  As is.

These ideas are worth revisiting because when I think about my clients, they are all really asking me the same question: “Am I normal?”  They make statements such as: “I’m having trouble prioritizing; I feel adrift with my career; my spouse and I have ups and downs; I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do.”  Are these issues normal?  Of course they are!  (And then we work together on getting to a healthier and more self-accepting place.)

None of us truly know what’s going on inside other people’s minds, hearts and homes.  We are often reluctant to be vulnerable and share our struggles – to look less than perfect.  So we end up feeling isolated, thinking that everyone else has it together except for us, when the opposite is actually true.

Vulnerability is the key to connection.  I encourage you to share with the people you love and trust.  There’s nothing here to solve or fix; just share and listen.  You will deepen those relationships and receive acceptance – and, probably without ever knowing it, you will help your loved ones to see that they are normal.  The struggles we face are shared ones, if only we would let other people know.

Where do you wonder if you are “normal?”  Who might you share your struggles with?  How can you listen with an open heart to a loved one?

Remember, not only are you normal, you are perfect right at this moment.  As is.

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