My last couple blogs were on the high cost of perfectionism and my message that although we have room to grow and develop, we are perfect as we are right now.  As is.

These ideas are worth revisiting because when I think about my clients, they are all really asking me the same question: “Am I normal?”  They make statements such as: “I’m having trouble prioritizing; I feel adrift with my career; my spouse and I have ups and downs; I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do.”  Are these issues normal?  Of course they are!  (And then we work together on getting to a healthier and more self-accepting place.)

None of us truly know what’s going on inside other people’s minds, hearts and homes.  We are often reluctant to be vulnerable and share our struggles – to look less than perfect.  So we end up feeling isolated, thinking that everyone else has it together except for us, when the opposite is actually true.

Vulnerability is the key to connection.  I encourage you to share with the people you love and trust.  There’s nothing here to solve or fix; just share and listen.  You will deepen those relationships and receive acceptance – and, probably without ever knowing it, you will help your loved ones to see that they are normal.  The struggles we face are shared ones, if only we would let other people know.

Where do you wonder if you are “normal?”  Who might you share your struggles with?  How can you listen with an open heart to a loved one?

Remember, not only are you normal, you are perfect right at this moment.  As is.

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I had an incredible experience last weekend.  I got coached by a horse.

Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I got coached by a talented woman who uses horses in her coaching.  Regardless, it was an unforgettable experience.

The talented woman is veterinarian and coach, Teresa Himebaugh.  As Teresa explained to me, horses are prey animals and are extremely sensitive.  They communicate primarily through body language, as sound would give away the location of the herd.  As coaches, horses provide immediate, honest feedback.

When Teresa went out in the paddock to get her horse, Chance, it was Winnie who inexplicably came right over.  Teresa listened to her intuition and correctly assumed that Winnie had a message to share with me.  Winnie is a young Tennessee Walking Horse, low in the ranking amongst her herd.

Winnie was also once a show horse.  She had heavy “pads” attached to her hooves, designed to make her lift her legs higher, producing a special gait.  Now that the pads had been removed, Winnie looked a little gangly to me, and I noticed she drug her back right foot.  When Teresa invited me to connect with her, I told Winnie how I had worn a lift in my shoe as a teenager for my scoliosis, and it had screwed up my foot a bit.  As I empathized with this miraculous creature and told her she was perfect just as she is, I was certain she understood me.

It was a pleasure to spend time with Winnie – and an incredible way to learn more about my myself.  Teresa invited me to get closer and walk around the ring in the barn with Winnie on a lead.  When I was confident, Winnie followed, walking close to me.  When I deferred to her, she stopped or drifted off.  Leadership lesson learned: it’s appropriate to be cooperative in some cases and to take charge in others.

Teresa also invited me to hold an important message in my head and walk confidently about the ring.  I did, and Winnie followed me (without a lead) around the ring once and then stopped and looked outside the barn at her field and herd.  Teresa and I discussed what this could mean.  I thought that Winnie might want me to let the other horses know what I told her.  Teresa suggested that Winnie was indicating that I should share my message widely and with my own herd.  Perhaps both are true.

So to my herd, my message is this: you are ok as is.  You are perfect just as you are today.  In the most wonderful paradox of life, we all have room to grow and develop; yet, we are all right just as we are in this moment.

What’s your message?  What’s the thing that is so meaningful to you that you want everyone to know?  Please tell us; we need to hear it.

Thanks for sharing!

If you live in the Memphis area and would like to experience coaching with Teresa and her horses, please contact her at 901-849-4355.

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“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”    – Brene Brown

“The irony is that striving to be perfect actually keeps us from getting much of anything done.”    – Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

As a recovering perfectionist, I feel a great deal of compassion for those who struggle with perfectionism.  The real truth is that we are all a mixture of good and bad, dark and light; if we accept this, we can begin to let go of our drive to appear perfect.  Which is a good thing, because the cost of being a perfectionist is incredibly high.

How so, you ask?  Perfectionism keeps us from taking risks and trying new things at which we might be less-than-perfect.  It stalls us while we wait to become perfect at something before we begin.  Perfectionism keeps us striving for others’ approval, instead of giving it to ourselves.  When we appear to have it all together, it makes others feel inadequate – and keeps us from having deeper connections with people (because of our unwillingness to be vulnerable).  And it takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain a perfect facade.

The sad thing is that while the cost of perfectionism is high, it doesn’t really get us anything, because we can never achieve it or feel like we’ve done enough.  It’s a goal that simply can’t be attained, no matter how hard we try.  In addition, as much as we long to control how others see us (i.e., as perfect), the truth is, it’s none of our business what other people think about us.  And it’s such a relief to let go of that!

Today, how can you let go a little of your drive to appear perfect?  Where can you take a chance, even if you can’t guarantee a perfect outcome?  Where could you stop thinking and simply act?  Where could you be a little vulnerable and more authentic?  And how can you shift your focus from being perfect to being the best version of your wonderfully flawed, unique self?

Happy to know the real you!

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I remember when I first heard that no one can give me, or cause me to have, a negative attitude.  My attitude is a choice I make – an incredibly powerful choice because my attitude affects my mood, which affects my thoughts, which affects my actions, which create my reality.  And it all starts with the choice I make about my attitude.

Will I always choose to have a positive attitude?  Most times, if I am aware and mindful.  I don’t want to be a Pollyanna when times are tough, but I can choose to be grateful or find the lesson and meaning in challenges.  Start watching your own attitude; as you get more aware, notice what attitude you choose for yourself and when.

The Cherokee Legend of Two Wolves is a well-known story that illustrates this point beautifully.  It goes like this…

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Choose wisely!

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