I often work with my clients on the importance of cultivating a love of learning, taking a few risks, and getting outside of their comfort zone – keeping their possibilities open and their lives big. Since I like to walk my talk, I recently challenged myself to try something new: hula hooping. It sounded fun and like an appropriate risk since I had a reasonable chance of being embarrassed for an hour by both a lack of coordination and cardio capability. So I looked at the schedule to find the beginners class and put it in my calendar.

The day arrived for the class and I quickly checked the website, but the class was gone! They had moved it to a time I couldn’t attend. No matter, I thought, I would still use the time to challenge myself. So I glanced at the schedule for a yoga studio I haven’t been to before, and set out for a small adventure.

I thought I was attending a gentle yoga class, and things started off nicely enough. It was a different style than I was used to, but seemed all right. And then class just got plain hard. Really hard. I gave it a big effort and adapted the poses I simply couldn’t do or hold. While I actually liked a lot of the class, I can’t tell you how many times I said to myself during it, “And this is the gentle class?!”

Afterwards, while thinking about how sore I would be the next day, I looked at the schedule more closely because I wanted to read the class description. And I saw that I had read the schedule wrong. I didn’t attend a gentle class, but rather an advanced class that my friend later told me was referred to as “the power hour.” Oops.

So what did this expedition outside of my comfort zone teach me? Well, lots of things! Don’t expect every experiment to go perfectly. Although it was difficult at times, it only lasted 75 minutes and I survived just fine – in fact, I did pretty well and gained some confidence. The class also showed where I have some weaknesses I should work on. (Abdominals, anyone?) I also really liked the studio and plan to return, so my most important lesson is probably to read the schedule more carefully!

What’s something new you could challenge yourself with? Try to pick something that sounds fun or interesting to you. And don’t worry about doing it well – everyone can survive an hour or two of embarrassment. And the truth is, probably no one is looking at you anyway. They are all focused on themselves (and their own aching abs).

Keep pushing on that comfort zone!

p.s. Your comments are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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I have the great pleasure of working with many wonderful, caring clients who want to be helpful to the people around them. Often my clients’ friends, family and coworkers come to them and ask for advice. Sometimes my clients are a little too proactive though, stepping in to fix other people’s problems when their assistance hasn’t been requested.

There are downsides to this unsolicited “help.” First, the recipient may get frustrated; maybe they just wanted to vent and be listened to. Second, when we fix the problem, the other person doesn’t gain confidence like they would if they handled the issue themselves. Third, the other person will likely be more committed to a solution that they have come up with themselves, rather than one that you suggest.

So how can you help? Just being there in the moment and listening is probably the best thing you can do if the other person is really upset. Trying to come up with a solution from a negative or low energy place is hard – the person is unlikely to be able to think clearly or creatively.

But if the person does have an issue and needs a sounding board as they think through potential solutions, you can support them in accessing their own resourcefulness by asking some open-ended questions. Here are a few examples. Ideally, what outcome would you like? What has worked for you in the past? What does your intuition say? If you could only focus on one thing, what would it be?

And my favorite question of all? How can I support you?

Now that’s helpful!

p.s. Your comments are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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This summer I spent ten Fridays in Nashville delivering professional development training for fifteen summer interns at the TN Lottery. We covered a wide variety of topics from values to 100% responsibility and networking to presentation skills. It was a terrific group of undergrad and MBA students: bright, engaged, and open.

As the end of our ten meetings approached, I set a little time aside so we could discuss as a group which topics had been most meaningful and what might need to be added or dropped. And we talked about what worked well and what might be improved.

Their feedback boiled down to three main things: they wanted more exercises, they wanted more of my personal stories, and they wanted me to curse more(!). What they were asking for was more sharing. They wanted to share more with each other, and they wanted me to share more of myself. They’d gotten glimpses of me, but wanted to know me at a deeper personal level.

I like to think I do a pretty good job being authentic, but what wonderful encouragement to be more vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be scary, but it isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. Our willingness to be vulnerable determines the level to which others can connect with us. People share with us at the level that we share with them.

I’m grateful to have shared my summer with this fantastic group of young adults. Who can you share with today? Where could you be more vulnerable?

Share away!

p.s. Your comments are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ve been contemplating taking a break from the news and from Facebook; the ongoing violence and loss in our country is heartbreaking – and this last week, unbearable. The anger, sadness and divisiveness are overwhelming, and my instinct has largely been to withdraw from the conversation. Here’s what I would like to share…

Several years ago, I had the privilege of seeing the Dalai Lama speak. He said that we must love our enemies because otherwise they may never witness love or know what it looks like. We have to model the behavior we want. We have to give what we want to get – even though we may never get it.

This is one of the essential concepts in coaching: 100% responsibility. It says “I have 0% control over you; I have 100% control over how I choose respond to you.” I am always at choice, and I am always entirely responsible for my behavior. (Although sometimes I may need to take a little time before I respond, so that I have a response I will be proud of.)

I choose to respond to recent events with love and kindness. I empathize with people’s sadness and loss. I try not to judge others if my views differ from theirs; I don’t accept bigotry or hatred in any form, but I understand that people are more than just how they act out their fear. And some days, in order to show love and kindness to myself, I may need to take a break from the news. These are my choices. What are yours?

I send my loving energy and prayers to everyone, especially those who are coming together to participate in a peaceful, thoughtful conversation about how to make the positive changes our country needs to make. I am hopeful that our collective kindness will be greater than our fear.

xoxo

p.s. Your comments are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

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It’s time to change the negative way we use the word “selfish.” It’s a rare person who is truly selfish all of the time: one who always takes and never gives. Not even one of my clients is selfish, but many of them worry about it.

The truth is that people who are a bit selfish are happier, healthier, and have better careers. And here’s the big surprise: they also have better relationships. That’s because they are taking care of themselves and meeting their own needs instead of relying on others. Being selfish isn’t being mean or bad or neglectful of others; it’s being a mature adult.

This comes up with my clients all of the time, and I ask them to answer the following questions. “What do you need right now? Can you give it to yourself? If not, who can you ask for help?” For example, maybe I need a break; then it’s time to go for a walk or head to the movies. Parents with small children may have to take the kids along or ask someone to watch them.

What if you need a little appreciation? If you find that you are stewing about other people not acknowledging your efforts, ask if you’ve already acknowledged yourself. Additionally, acknowledging you is a skill the other person may not have. You may have to tell that person what you need. For example, “It means a lot to me when my efforts are recognized. I would really appreciate hearing how you felt about my contribution with regards to Project X.”

Identifying what you need in the moment, meeting your own “selfish” needs, and/or asking for help is a skill set. You build it over time and should expect to do it imperfectly at first. And if someone notices you taking great care of yourself and calls you selfish, be sure to thank them!

What do you need? Where can you be more selfish?

Here’s to choosing you!

p.s. Your comments/likes are most welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching

 

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