Over the years, a lot of my clients have told me that they are “people pleasers.” They say it sort of sheepishly, but I think there is often a little pride in it as well. If you are in this group, here’s why you should quit it.

It is great if you want to be nice and helpful – and you have the energy and time to give to the people/causes you want to. However, note that no one (who is healthy) wants you to give what you don’t have to give. As Iyanla Vanzant says: “When you give someone something you need for yourself you make the other person a thief. True giving does not require self sacrifice.”

Unfortunately, what I see with most “people pleasers” is that they need other people to like them. They need this so much, they will give more than they should – to their own detriment. You’ll know if your “people pleasing” is unhealthy if you are so busy taking care of others that you can’t take care of yourself; if you feel resentful when you are helping others; or if your motivation in helping others is so that they will like you.

What I ask some of my clients to consider is, that by being a “people pleaser,” they are actually trying to make other people like them. They are going way too far in their efforts to manipulate others into accepting a likeable version of themselves. Sometimes what is really going on is low self-esteem.

I learned a long time ago that 2% of people will love you no matter what. And 2% of people won’t like you no matter what. And the rest of the folks will like you just fine most of the time. The truth is, you can’t make anyone else do/think/feel anything. You can’t please some people enough to make them like you. So you can quit trying.

Where can you use that energy that you’ve been devoting to “people-pleasing?”
– Taking care of yourself and your needs. That’s your job as an adult.
– Doing things you actually want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do, experiment until you find things you enjoy.
– Working on your goals. Instead of only helping others achieve their goals, what do you want for your life and future?

You may need sit with the discomfort of getting used to saying “no” to others. (More on saying “no” here and here). And when you are finally pleasing yourself, then you can think about where it might please you to help others.

So long, “people pleasing!”

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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I recently had a client tell me a story about the wisest advice she ever received.

This client had a colleague who had proven themselves untrustworthy in the past. She found it difficult to work with this person and be around them, let alone rely on them to do her job.

She took this issue to her mentor and said, “I notice you work with all kinds of people; some have questionable reputations. How can you work with people you don’t trust?”

Her mentor looked at her and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

She explained herself again, telling her experienced, smart mentor that working with untrustworthy people was extremely difficult; in fact, it couldn’t be done. She went into anguished detail about how her colleague was bad and had done her wrong. She described every small transgression she had catalogued. Again, she asked her mentor how they could engage with untrustworthy people.

Her mentor fixed her with a look, saying slowly and clearly, “I. Don’t. Know. What. You. Are. Talking. About.”

Of course, her mentor understood the question. They were telling her how they handled it. They chose to overlook the untrustworthy behavior and move forward, rather than choosing to be stuck. They would not allow themselves to be drawn into the drama.

In fact, one day, when my client was particularly caught up in some negative ruminations, this wise mentor got fierce and shared some advice that turned out to be the best advice my client ever received: “Shut up and live your life.”

Consider how much energy we give to people at work that we don’t see eye to eye with. As the saying goes, “would you rather be right or happy?” Sometimes we just have to let things go and move on.

One caveat: if someone is truly undermining you at work, be respectful, but consider my favorite advice: “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” That is, allow yourself to move forward believing that things could work out in a positive way, but build in some double-checks (e.g., documentation, public agreement on commitments, etc).

And when you are ready to level up even more? Imagine someone asks you about that untrustworthy colleague. Instead of saying something negative, try to find something positive to say that’s true. Or at least encourage that person to have their own experience with the colleague. Then just shut up and live your life.

Pretty good advice…

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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A friend told me recently that he didn’t feel “inspiring.”

I’ve heard from some of my clients this past week that they don’t feel inspired, motivated or driven right now. So if you are limping into the new year, you are in good company!

But not feeling “inspiring” is a little different. When I thought about it, I realized that I often hear from clients and friends that they don’t feel like they are accomplishing much of note. And I am almost always surprised, as I think they are doing amazingly well – even when their circumstances are difficult.

We tend to downplay our accomplishments and hold ourselves to ridiculously high standards. You weren’t feeling great, but you still got up, got dressed and showed up for work today? You are a champion! Keep it up!

And take a look at the list below, and know that if you do any of these things, you are inspiring someone – including me!

You are inspiring if you:

– show up with a smile
– offer to help
– listen when others speak
– compliment someone’s skill or strengths
– are patient and kind
– give someone an opportunity to do better
– keep your commitments
– renegotiate commitments you can’t keep
– ask for help
– exercise
– eat healthy
– take care of your mental and emotional health
– meditate or pray
– spend time in nature
– relax
– go on retreat
– spend time with friends and family
– play sports
– play music
– go to an event or concert
– read or learn something new
– teach someone else something new
– have small adventures
– have big adventures
– travel to exotic locations
– take a staycation
– post on social media
– take a break from social media
– get the high score on a video game
– take a break from video games
– have a good attitude
– try

What else needs to be on this list? What will you do next to inspire yourself and others?

Thanks for the inspiration!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

p.p.s. An online career coaching group starts January 23 and there is room for one more! More details here: https://jenfrankcoaching.com/career-group/

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A friend recently shared this with me:

“I just did a weekend of yoga teacher training and more than once the instructors said where attention goes, energy flows. It’s easy to focus on the negative—it’s familiar and it’s protective. But it also keeps us stuck in a negative cycle. We live in a negative space and place because that’s what we have nurtured. As we begin to make the shift to focusing on gratitude, it will be difficult and may feel like we are ‘faking it.’ It’s important to do it anyway and to keep going. Eventually, it will be easier and easier still.”

She said that when she comes home each day, she says out loud how much she loves her house, her dogs and her life – even if the house is a mess or the dogs got in the trash or things aren’t going perfectly. That’s helped her to shift into a mindset of gratitude, so she can stay grateful even when times may be tough.

Her advice to get started? In addition to verbal gratitude, create a list of five to ten specific things each day that you are grateful for. If you get stuck, open the door and look outside. What are you grateful for? What is something simple that brings you joy? What is something you are looking forward to? 

Need even more posts on gratitude? Check out these blogs from the last 8 years!

• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2021/11/too-tired-for-gratitude-try-this-and-an-online-career-coaching-group-starts-dec-13/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2020/11/gratitude-and-a-broken-elbow/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2019/11/the-season-of-giving-thanks/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2018/11/an-exercise-in-gratitude/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2017/11/grateful-for-the-little-things/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2016/11/what-are-you-grateful-for-today/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2015/11/grateful/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2014/11/gratitude/

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I’m grateful for you!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

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