I was working with a client recently and asked her to rate her level of satisfaction about something on a scale of 1 to 10. She said, “I was going to choose 7, but we’re not allowed to choose 7 at work.”

What’s that now? Tell me more…

She explained that her work team knows they are not allowed to choose 7 because it’s something of a cop out. If the thing is “good enough” then we can leave it as is, maintain the status quo, and not take action to make it even better.

Hmm. Interesting, for sure. Where in my life I am not addressing something that needs improvement just because it’s a 7? My health, fitness, learning, friendships, home, etc? Where are you leaving a 7 as “good enough” when maybe it’s not good enough at all?

And that’s the real issue, I think. Where is a 7 or “good enough” actually enough? What areas are worth the effort to strive for an 8, 9 or 10? This is really up to the individual (or work team) to identify. Maybe a relationship deserves our effort to get it to a 9 level. Maybe health is a 9 level of effort, too. Maybe home is an 8, but my yard is a 7 (i.e., the dandelions are winning). It’s about identifying what’s important and balancing priorities.

Note that we need to distinguish between our level of effort and the results/outcomes we are experiencing. We control our effort, not the outcomes. For example, what if I put a lot of time and energy into my relationship with a family member and that relationship is just so-so? Does that mean that I should put in more effort, or accept, in this case, a 9 level of effort gets me a 5 level of satisfaction with the relationship? It might be that we accept that 5 and call it a win. We may even consider lowering our effort and see if we can still maintain that 5. (Do less?! Yes!)

Again, this is about identifying what’s important to you and making decisions about what efforts and results are “good enough.” Note how you want to spend your life energy, and that there isn’t always a directly proportional relationship between effort and outcomes. What’s worth it to you to try anyway?

Whatever you decide is good enough!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

Read More

At the turn of the year, I sometimes post a blog about my dislike of New Year’s resolutions. Instead I talk about some of the things that I find more worthwhile such as goal-setting or a word/phrase of the year or asking myself some big questions.

This year, I missed my January blog entirely. I experienced the perfect storm, which included an actual snowstorm as well as a very busy client and presenting schedule and moving into a new house.

My January focus narrowed down to just work and moving. When I wasn’t on Zoom, I rarely sat down. I struggled to get my workouts in. I ate some weird meals. I neglected friends and family. I packed and unpacked so many boxes. I went to bed tired and got up tired.

I’m guessing that during that period, I may have disappointed some people… I had to say “no” to folks, due to zero flexibility in my schedule. I was leaving my beloved landlords. I wasn’t available for people in my personal life, or I showed up briefly and flustered. Yes, it’s likely I disappointed someone.

I’m learning to be ok with that. I mean, I don’t feel great about disappointing people, but I know that sometimes folks won’t like my choices – even when I am doing my best. And I know that sometimes I just can’t give-it-my-all enough to make others happy.

It is really difficult for many of us to disappoint others. (Yes, I see you, my fellow co-dependents!) The best you may be able to do is build some awareness around when you are twisting yourself into a pretzel for others. Notice how that makes you feel, both emotionally and physically. Accept that that is where you are right now.

Then, consider your options. Is there something you are able to do that you want to do for someone else? Does it take care of them at the expense of your own self-care, sleep or sanity? These are just choices; try to make healthy ones while keeping in mind that your circumstances will change. Your best will change. You will be able to invest in those important relationships again when this storm passes.

Crazy-busy times are an opportunity for personal growth: an opportunity to say “no,” to practice disappointing others, and to learn to be with the feelings it causes you. Now, there’s a worthy goal for 2024!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

Read More

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: full of get-togethers with beloved family and friends, great food, holiday music, and twinkly lights. And too many commitments, end-of-year work deadlines, random crises, and missing those who aren’t with us at the holidays. It’s special, and it’s stressful.

Here’s what my clients often need to be reminded of during this season.

Extreme self care is pretty much always the right answer. Taking care of yourself is critical when you are stretched too thin. You might think you don’t have time to take care of you during the holidays, but you’d be wrong. You have to take care of you and your health so you can be there with – and for – your loved ones.

You are ok even when you don’t feel ok. The stressors and sadness we deal with throughout the year often feel amplified at the holidays. If you find yourself feeling down, be sure to take care of you and reach out for help if you need it. And remind yourself things always get different; you will feel better – and probably sooner than you think.

Always do your best, with the knowledge that your best is wildly different from day to day. Don’t expect to perform at your healthiest, most well-rested, highest level every day – and certainly not during the holidays. Maybe you’ve got a cold. Or your child has a cold. Maybe the sheer volume of events/work/cooking/wrapping presents/hosting has you at your limits. Give yourself some grace. You got dressed today and showed up? You deserve an award. Truly, you do.

My wish for you is a joyful holiday and a happy, healthy 2024. And that you give yourself some grace now and in the new year!

Merry everything!

Read More

Every November I write about gratitude, because the benefits of gratitude are huge. Gratitude grounds us in the present (where life happens), gives us something positive to focus on, and improves our mood.

A few weeks ago, I found myself thinking “what if this is the last time I drive down this street?” It turned into a cool gratitude practice that I tried throughout the day. It made me appreciate the reliable car I was driving; the strawberries I ate tasted sweeter; my yoga class was more enjoyable; and it prompted me to call my Dad.

For me, this exercise helped me to worry less about the future, be grateful, be engaged, and focus on what was truly important. That resulted in a feeling that the day was well spent (instead of just a long list of to-do’s that were left undone).

Try asking yourself “what if this was the last time I _____” throughout the day. Notice what you are doing and get aware of your feelings. What do you find yourself savoring? What are you grateful for? What do you want more of in your everyday life?

If this exercise is too morbid or provokes an anxiety attack instead of gratitude, skip it! Here are blogs from the last 9 years – with lots of other gratitude ideas, questions and exercises.

• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2022/11/creating-a-gratitude-mindset/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2021/11/too-tired-for-gratitude-try-this-and-an-online-career-coaching-group-starts-dec-13/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2020/11/gratitude-and-a-broken-elbow/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2019/11/the-season-of-giving-thanks/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2018/11/an-exercise-in-gratitude/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2017/11/grateful-for-the-little-things/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2016/11/what-are-you-grateful-for-today/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2015/11/grateful/
• https://jenfrankcoaching.com/2014/11/gratitude/

So grateful for you! Happy Thanksgiving!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

Read More

Last month’s blog noted that, when it comes to feedback, clear is kind. That blog assumed we were giving feedback to someone who reports to us, and that we’re the manager. But what if you have feedback for someone who doesn’t report to you? Or what if you want to ask someone else for feedback?

Bad question #1: “Would you like some unsolicited advice?”

No. Please, no. But if you said to me “I have an observation about your communications from that meeting we were just in; would it be helpful to you if I shared it?” I will definitely say “yes.”

Same rules as outlined in last month’s blog: we give feedback out of care for the other person’s growth and development. We don’t give feedback out of irritation. Check your motives before you offer feedback. Chances are if it’s something you’d want someone to clue you in on, they may want to know, too. Just ask for permission and see if they are open before laying your wisdom on them.

And still expect that they might not receive the feedback well in the moment. They may start to explain themselves or go quiet. Just stay open and calm for them – and maybe read the tips in last month’s blog before offering feedback!

Bad question #2: Do you have feedback for me?

It’s great to desire feedback so you can continue to improve your performance, communications and relationships. But asking a big question like “do you have feedback for me?” may not get you use-able information. Remember that not everyone is skilled at giving feedback – and an easy way out for the other person is to tell you that you are perfect!

Instead, try to narrow your question. Here are a few examples:
– “During the meeting we were just in, I explained the progress on the project; was anything unclear in my explanation?” And/or “what would have made it better?”
– “During the meeting we were just in, our boss asked me why I chose the actions I took; did my answer sound defensive?” And/or “how would you have answered his question?”
– “We’ve been working on this project together now for a month; what have you observed about my interactions with the team that I do well?” And/or “what could I do better?”

Asking someone what they observed/experienced is safe territory – so is asking for their advice or opinion, if you honestly want it. Remember that another person’s feedback is just their opinion, so use your discernment before changing your behavior. (You may need to get feedback from more than one person to determine if you need to change your behavior.)

In addition, if you have more than one feedback question, make sure to ask only one at a time and let the person answer. You can ask a clarifying question, but allow room for the other person to think if they are struggling to come up with feedback on the spot. If they want more time to think, that’s fine; you can check in later.

Feedback is a valuable gift they are giving you (that you requested), so try not to pressure them too much – and definitely don’t defend yourself! All you ever need to to say to someone giving you feedback is “thank you; you’ve given me something to think about.”

What a gift!

p.s. As always, your comments are welcome on this post at https://www.facebook.com/jenfrankcoaching.

Read More